I Have Been Thinking A Lot About My Past, But something isn't right....
Lately (more so now) I have been thinking over and over about various childhood occurrences. Things that puzzled me or ideas I accepted as fact are coming into my head all over again and I am realizing new things. Labels: The Past
Here is an example:
At around 10 years old, Back in Sunday school (this has nothing to do with religion btw) I used to tease (and get teased on) by this girl whom I had a HUGE crush on, but there were moments I recall teasing her rather harshly and she had a peculiar facial expression, however she didn't look at my face. Ie., I would tease her, and she would be looking somewhere else and getting very red in the face. To this day I remember one incident and it hasn't left me, yet I thought hard about it and back then concluded she wasn't paying attention to me--I still had my secret crush.
As the years went by, the teasing got less but we always had a little bit of an ambivalent friendship as class mates, and no we never went beyond class-friends. I honestly could not understand why we always had an awkward friendship until now.
Being in this seduction-community, my social awareness has gotten rather keen compared to the past. But this incident and countless others are constantly running through my head lately. Incidents where I got in trouble with teachers and parents---I look back on it now and realize the teachers were insecure and unsure how to handle the situation. Parents were mad because they were just letting out frustration and it happen to be on me..
Example: I was in a carpool and the driver ran over a key and the tire popped. We all got out to see what happened and she was very upset, to say the least. I said something (not sure what) and she screamed at me to be quiet. Screamed. Mind you I was like 9 years old probably.
Also sports is huge---I rethink sports a lot and how I was so insecure back in my teenage days that it affected my ability to compete. I fantasize now how I could easily be the top sports player because I just don't give a fuck anymore and I have such good work ethic.
The thing is this---I feel mostly a spiritual divide between my childhood and now, but its only been 3+ years! I am 21 and these events happened from 18 downward. Spiritually I feel I changed so much, I feel like a different person. The way I talk to girls (and guys too), flirt with girls, the way I hold myself up, the way I react, the way I listen, so much has changed, so now I look back on the past and sometimes I ruefully contemplate how ridiculous my childhood was at times. It was like someone else lived my childhood.
The reason for this post is: why am I re-thinking the past? Is this normal for people spiritually changing?
---I am reading Power of Now and listened to GTP like 5 times and I know Guilt is a useless emotion. Thing is, I never felt religious---probably because Judaism prayers are in Hebrew so I never understood a word I'd say in temple. (I feel only a cultural connection to Judaism). So religiously I don't think I have any guilt.
I also know focusing on the past is a waste---just learn from it and be in the moment.. but its so hard. Its hard to explain, but suffice to say I am a "Dreamer" and I can't help but fantasize and imagine things. I am imagining the past all the time, its almost like how people describe mid-life crisis, but I am only at my quarter life!
The past is constantly on my mind.
Spiritually, what do you guys think is going on here?
Also, nothing insane happened in my past, like my parents burning in front of me or whatever. I think all the events are fairly PG-13.
.
