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Broke it off with Claire

Wow, what a crazy end. I took off most of my old, old blog posts from 2005 since my mind and views have changed so much since then, however one of the first girls I talked about was Claire. I met her at Saddle Ranch (the place talked about in “The Game”) of all places. She kind of played me and I fell into all her loops like the newbie I was and eventually we stopped talking.

However about last year, October of 2006 she IM’d me out of the blue and we started talking again. Around January of 2007 we finally hooked up after she broke up with her ex and she was my first fuck buddy (we were more than fuck buddies and I feel that was the problem…) that lasted more than 2 nights haha! Well, I felt fairly attached to her, we vibed real well yet at times she seemed conflicted. It was weird, she seemed so into me sometimes, and other times she seemed more confused than anything. I was treating her right and being masculine, so she really had nothing to complain about—though I think that is what made her lose interest in me. I was a nice guy and my “mean masculine” side wasn’t believable… not sure haha.

In May she went back home after college ended and we communicated just barely, maybe once every week or two. Not as much as I wanted. I desired her more than she did me and unfortunately when I am not around to make sure things are going right, she just lost interest in me I think.

During this time I was still sarging, I even pulled a girl home. Made out with a bunch of chicks. I didn’t really feel for them, I liked Claire! But I guess she didn’t really like me. She came back to school (which is located on the opposite side of the city) and she never made an effort to come over here. Then again, I didn’t make an effort to go over there, I suppose I was waiting for her to ask me out again. Shit, I made A LOT of relationship mistakes with this girl. I learned so much.

I swear, I made mistakes up till the moment I finally told her I got to cut her off. See she finally told me that she isn’t looking for me to be her boyfriend. She knew I wanted that, I never even admitted it to myself but deep down I loved her way more than she loved me, if at all. Even the girls I met over the summer didn’t compare. But then again, I didn’t get to know them on a deep level.

So I can sense already my writing style in this post is pretty gloomy. Whatever. So anyway, I told her to remove me from facebook, myspace, cell phone, AIM, etc. She seemed a bit like “wtf” but didn’t act disappointed. I know deep down she is just another insecure girl and even if she had no interest in me, it probably hurt her to have me just cut her off. She said “we were friends before we hooked up. Now its over. So you just wanted to get into my pants?” and that is not true. I loved her… and now I just want to move on. I don’t want to hear about her new boyfriends or whatever. I don’t want to “hang out” with her because I am too attracted. I want it all or nothing, call me greedy but with her out of sight and out of mind, I know I will find another girl who will love me better than her.

Yes, yes I know Claire was just a fuck buddy… but whatever. I am a lover at heart and I can’t fake that. Some girls I can fuck and it means nothing, some girls I can’t fuck without it meaning a lot. That is just me, or maybe I’m young.

Lessons Learned:
  1. I need to address issues and fix them pronto.
    1. waited it out too much with Claire
    2. was too lenient when she had her Pussy Power moments
      1. would just laugh and say “you’re aloof!” and she would just deny it and that was that
  2. need to accept right away if this girl loves me as much as I love her early on
    1. don’t want to get involved with a girl who doesn’t desire me at least as much as I do her
    2. can get out early, but it feels like shit if I get out late
  3. can’t let a girl think she can be a dead lay and I’ll be cool with it
    1. loved fucking Claire even though she was kind of a dead lay sometimes
    2. would just pound her and she was so cute and her voice was cute too so I was cool with it
    3. in retrospect, like 80% of the time she was lazy in bed, 10% she was cumming and moving around.. and the rest of the time she seemed a bit tired
      1. don’t know, just my sense. Perhaps she really was tired since we’d be doing it so late
  4. NEED to frame the relationship early on as I am the leader and she is the nurturer and it is our separate responsibilities. If she doesn’t hold up her end of the bargain as “Vice President of my Heart” I got to fire her, literally
    1. is taken from Stephane’s GTP and I fucking love that philosophy
    2. http://www.simurl.com/gtp
  5. When I sense she is not putting enough effort into the relationship and I tried everything short of desperation, I need to tell her:
    1. She has to put more effort or I have to break up.
    2. And for me, break ups are complete cut off. No online or cellular or personal communication.
      1. Depending how far into the relationship we are in, I’ll have tried MANY things before we get to this point
      2. With Claire, I honestly should have broken up a few months ago

So that is that. Lots of mistakes were made and it is too late to un-break them short of staging a life rescue for her haha. It is cool, I am very grateful for the time I had with her, these lessons. I learned more about what I want out of a relationship and what I don’t want; I also learned how to handle situations and never let problems wait. Address problems right away, no waiting—I need to make that a rule from the beginning “Problems must be dealt with right away”

What I look for in a woman now:

  • Very cute (which includes):
    • Cuddley
    • un laugh
    • Fun to play with and mess around with
  • Loves to give blowjobs
    • That is a given, but Claire didn’t like giving head
    • New girl must love to take it all in (or as much as possible hehe) and not wait for me to ask
  • Listens and Respects me
    • I feel my level of respect for myself and my command comes into play, but assuming that is down, I don’t want her to be too much of a rebel
  • Makes noticeable effort to understand me and help me
    • Claire did this, it was cool. I realized how much I like it now
  • Isn’t lazy in the morning, or isn’t lazy in general
    • Claire was lazy a lot, it was kind of cute but also a bit annoying.
    • I don’t think Claire would ever clean anything or take care of stuff
  • Cares about her body, stays in shape and is excited to do things
    • Claire has a weird medical condition, so she was always in somewhat shape (heart issues, she could not be over a certain weight) but I am like 99% sure if she didn’t have that issue, she’d let loose and be obese.
      • She loved to eat and was probably too lazy to exercise much.
  • I need to demand what I want done and not take “no” for an answer
    • Many times I would do things even though I told her “no” and she would just stick to her guns
      • I realized yes, she had the pussy power over me
      • Never again.
      • If the girl refuses to do what I say and I comply because I want to fuck her that night, it’s a bad reason.
  • I can almost smell her attraction giving way when I would do what she said out of her pussy power
    • So instead, is she refuses what I say, then I drop it. I leave and if she comes back to me, I know it’s on.
      • I need to be Okay with losing her. I need to be okay with this
      • I need to trust the universe to supply my abundance of pussy and blow jobs
        • Not depend on some girl for it
  • Well, looks wise
    • In shape
    • Nice round ass that is squeezable
    • Bigger the tits the better
    • Cute face, sweet eyes and dick sucking lips
    • Tight pussy
  • She LOVES sex
  • She is bisexual or bi-curious
  • She is not a womanist
    • I.e., she isn’t obsessed with women being the same as men everywhere, she is cool with being the feminine while I am the masculine


I know a lot of these things represent traits I need to grow within myself. It is a long journey but I know it is going to get better and better and better all the fucking time!

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Posted by BigSend at 10/10/2007 05:04:00 AM | | Comments

I’m Finding Myself More Assertive in Everyday Life

During BradP’s bootcamp, we learned some frame control exercises on how to talk over people in a smooth way, rather than just being loud and talking over them. Brad didn’t want me to go into too many details, but basically the plan is to acknowledge the person who interrupts, very quickly address what they say and just move on without skipping a beat.

For example, if a girl blurts out in the middle of my talk “You are weird” I would probably say without skipping a beat “… I am the weirdest guy you’ll ever meet…” The thing about this technique is it really threw me off at first. I would lose my train of thought and I would sense this emotion/social struggle go on. In field, when I do this right the girls would laugh and get more interested, it’s kind of freaky; but when I do it badly and lose my train of thought, the set kind of dies.

Well the idea is really to maintain your frame as the “Alpha Male King of My World” and when I am talking, unless there is an emergency or the vibe is very flow, no one interrupts. If you can keep that frame along with practice BradP’s method (email him to find out, he told me not to spell it out), then you will find every aspect of your conversational life will start to change.

I was hanging out with my old roommate and a female friend whom I haven’t seen all summer. [Note: I may have taken my oldest blog posts down, but these are the same roommates I lived with when I started this blog.] At that time, they were way more alpha and assertive than I. They would interrupt me all the time when I spoke—it wasn’t like everyone I knew interrupted me, I just happened to room up with guys who were rude like that. Well I didn’t stand much of a chance, they could speak better, flow easier, keep their train of thought, yell loud, and when I think about it, they interrupted each other all the time too. Very immature environment.

So I was hanging out with my old roommate and our female friend (whom is a girl friend of the other roommate). We were talking about Taxes* and I had a rather complex point to make, it would take over a minute to do it fully to make sure they understood as it was a complicated idea. About 10-20 seconds into my talk, before I even came close to making my point, I get interrupted very loudly but then IMMEDIATELY, just like I was in a set without skipping a beat, I say “Hold on, I am talking here let me finish my point” and totally shut them down, they were perplexed. They had never seen me be that blunt before. I could see it in everyone’s eyes. I was not the same dude they befriended 2+ years ago. I’m not even sure if they like me too much now haha.

Anyway after I said “…let me finish my point” I went right back on my thread and finished it up. Actually for like 10 seconds the guy joked “Haha we need a moderator here” but then I went on.

Basically I just kept on talking. The way I was interrupted felt like some crap girls do in a set to shit test me—this is probably why I had such an autopilot response to it. Only thing is, my old friends are so used to interrupting me that they in no way expected me to be so assertive. After I did this the vibe changed, I felt this tension in the air. But, I am a different guy now, the level of respect I used to get from them is not enough for me anymore.

In fact, I have slowly stopped hanging out with them over the course of the past year. I almost never talk to them now. Back then, instead of throwing a hissy-fit, demanding respect. I.e., telling them after the fact that I don’t like being interrupted, I just sort of moved on. Found much better friends who vibe with me on a deeper level: i.e., 456, Ulysses, etc etc.

On the way home, I was talking to my friend whom I interjected over and said “You know, the reason I haven’t showed my face much and you didn’t see me much this past year is really because I can’t even talk with you guys. I keep getting interrupted. It made me feel like shit” I was being totally honest. She agreed, and told me she hates it when she gets interrupted too. Only difference with me is I choose who I hang out with out of a deep bond, not out of loneliness. I sense she is partly with her boyfriend because she is afraid of being single again—she talks about how happy she is now that she is not on the single’s train. I don’t think that is a good reason to be in a relationship, but I didn’t say that.

The vibe definitely changed. I know their view of me is a push over guy. Well, not anymore haha. Though I rarely, rarely hang out with people like them. 99% of people I meet and hang with are respectful of when anyone speaks no matter how alpha or non-alpha the guy is.

Truth is, I really do hate having to apply BradP’s frame control tactics. It feels harsh but when it must be done, it must be done. I would never want a relationship, be it friend or lover, with a person who shit-tests me like that.

So I’m not too sure how much I’ll be with that crew. When I hang out with them 1-on-1 its actually quite fun and we have great rapport. When more than one of them are together, its very immature.

So I guess my lessons were 1) move away from people who don’t make you feel good 2) be assertive, don’t let people walk on you 3) be prepared. When you actively don’t let someone walk on you, keep the alpha frame. Don’t let it drop off. I mean of course if I have a boss or some authority figure, I can’t do this alpha male bull shit, that would be retarded…


*My taxes point was basically that I feel income taxes do nothing more but further separate the “rich” from the “poor.” In America the media hypes up the big class struggle where one political party, the Democrats, are big about taxing the “wealthiest” and giving back to the poor. But I do not think it works that way. The real wealthiest are the ones who make the laws through lobbying, being in congress, etc etc. They make the loopholes (and we all know there are a TON of loop holes in the legal system) so they can afford the lawyers who can use the loop holes. Perhaps they hide their money in S-Corps or over seas. I don’t know, I’m not one of those “rich.” However, if we decide to raise taxes, that does nothing more than hurt people who make money through working hard—i.e., it hurts the non-rich. The real rich are not hurt much, perhaps they lose more of their ability to hire employees or expand their business. In fact, when taxes are raised on business, it is NOT the business who loses money, it is consumers. Why? Because business will just raise the prices and say the tax went up. In California is 8.25%. Or if its federal tax, they will decrease supply and raise prices.

Also, if we do raise taxes now, say the people who earn over $100K get 40% taken away and the people above $50K get 30%. What will happen 4, 8, 12, 16 years from now? Will taxes stay the same.. or will they go up more.. or will they trickle down to the lower and lower income brackets? Taxes in socialist countries are HUGE. Every person is nearly the same wealth except the filthy rich—i.e., the ones who are not affected by taxes.

So the media is hyping the “class warfare” and I believe it is Democrats who want to raise taxes on the rich to alleviate that class difference, but it may have a very backwards effect—sure it sounds good on paper, but is that how economics REALLY works? Besides, do we really want the government to have more money? I mean defense is important, and construction, but look at how much the Government wastes, they suck at money. They have no incentive to handle money well, they don’t own stock. They have tenure, so they can’t lose their jobs in government. Look at the Katrina situation and how much money was lost there. Its all over the media and they still can’t take care of New Orleans. Do we really want the government to get more money through taxes? Is that really the answer to the “class warfare” media hype?

I could go on, but I really feel income taxes is anti-American. In fact, there was almost NO income taxes before the early 1900 was FDR I believe. Before that there were taxes only during war time. FDR put our country on a socialist track because he wanted to alleviate the great depression as fast as possible… great… our grand children thank you. Not only do we lose money to taxes, but also social security—something my generation will probably never see.

So now that the government gets loads of money, they have 100x more power than they used to. Wasn’t America supposed to be about the people having all the power and the government completely serving the people’s desires?

(See how long of a point that was, I can’t be interrupted in the middle and still be able to finish that shit off! Well this isn’t a political blog. I imagine lots of people will hatefully disagree but please, save it. I fucking hate taxes, you do too. So lets drop it. No political discussion on this blog.)

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Posted by BigSend at 10/02/2007 03:12:00 AM | | Comments

A week with Mr. & Mrs. Ideagasms, Sir Psycho Stephane & Ghita

UPDATE: BGTP is released! Click here

NOTE: This post is written over a week period, so things will change in this essay. How it starts is not how it ends.

Man, what an amazing week (and its not even over!) I have honestly never felt so close to a bunch of people before, so much love and respect.

Okay okay, a little background on Ideagasms and Stephane. In the A.S.F dating community many guys emerged in the beginning, including Mystery, Ross, DeAngelo, etc. Most of the gurus started off in the techniques side of things. Well, in the more spiritual side of the community emerged Stephane. Pick up from the heart, not mind. Relationships based on love, compassion, and balance without turning yourself into a pussy (literally). Stephane has programs like "Chakra Meditation", "The Girlfriend Training Program (GTP)" "Squirt DVDs" and next is "Bisexual Girlfriend Training Program (BGTP)" all of which base their ideas on meditation and spirituality.

I had the amazing opportunity to join Steph and the rest of the guys in their L.A. recording sessions of BGTP. Oh man, where do I even begin? I actually wrote this whole thing out once and had to scrap it because honing the essence of this into written words is presently beyond my writing ability. BEAR with me guys, there is an amazing revolution going on and I didn't fully realize it till I Met Mr & Mrs Ideagasms along with the rest of the crew.

I'll start with the chronology: First night started out at Dented's place, about 20 miles south of Los Angeles. He put his house up since his parents were gone for the day and we all chilled on a few beers and small talked each other. Steph, along with a bunch of others all came in around 11pm from their flight and were exhausted. When Steph walked past me, I got up and shook his hand, it was a great to finally meet my relationship teacher.

As mentioned, Steph comes from a very spiritual place in this world. So based off his material, my first impression of him was like some guru in the sky who says weird things like "There are clockwise spinning vortex's coming out of your butt" I used to filter out and pay attention to his more mind-oriented advice, like how to deal with women in certain situations, etc. However, my ENTIRE idea of spirituality and the ideagasms philosophy shifted after meeting and being exposed to these guys and I want to convey the power of this shift now. Some of that shift had to do with Steph personally explaining what "Chakras" are and what it means to meditate on them, others had to do with book recommendations, but most of all the vibe really taught me something.

So the first night was cool, just drank some beers, talked about random shit and did some religion bashing. I felt a great vibe, same vibe as going to a really cool party where it isn't too rowdy, but it isn't boring either. Everyone likes each other and gets along. That is exactly how I've been feeling every day after hanging out with this gang.

The rest of the nights, so far, have been at Brandon's place. The idea of BGTP is to interview a circle couple (the owners of yintegrity.com) and to train them on tape. So, Steph and Ghita set up in Brandon's living room and set the couches and chairs so we were all in a circle while the people being interviewed, along with Steph, were in the middle. Also Ghita was working the sound equipment, so she was off to the side, but man, there were like energy wires between her and Steph. Steph would be talking about how much he loves Ghita and how great their relationship is, and she had this amazing smile which cut right into the circle. It really opened my eyes and inspired me. In fact, if I could sum this whole thing up in one statement, seeing the love pouring through Ghita (along with AmyJo) towards their man was revelating.

So this was the environment of the recording, however after the recording started the real shit hit me. Steph would sit, giving his advice, answering our questions and being the teacher; afterwards this pounded beers and wine and turned into a drunken mofo! He is fucking NUTS! He is like the crazy cool guy you meet at a party who makes fun of people, gets made fun of and just cracks up half the time. At the same time though, he does have his meditative, quiet and in the moment side.

Well before I go into that, Steph is a "In the moment" dude. He does shit on first impulse. Though he claims he has self doubt, but relative to most community people, I doubt it is much. This guy has a shit load of social freedom, just like me when I was 10 or 11 years old. The only problem with me is when I was a kid, I was told to "shut up" or "be cool dude" so that part of me got repressed. However we all went to eat at Arnie Morton's Steakhouse in Los Angeles and Steph would just talk to the waiter and blurt random shit out like "WHERE IS THE COCAINE!! --rich people haha--" and, well, he also did some other questionable, in the moment type things to the Steakhouse but what happens in IG stays in IG :)

During Steph's drunkenness he said to me (and maybe others too, but I felt it was directed to me) that "I am not the master, that you (or we, the group) are really beyond me and will surpass me". It is a great teacher's goal for his students to surpass the teacher, so I believe Steph meant this for everyone. Moreover, in the right context, around those you love, alcohol can serve as a truth serum. Steph mentioned it again in the night. The thing is, I keep getting this from many people whom I meet for a short while or for a long time. I am not sure what it is, but the following brings a light to it: Steph assessed what he thought of everyone. Well, since we were all a bit tipsy and Steph was drunk, he openly said what he thought of people. To Brandon, he said "You were like me in High School, got laid a lot" to HoboJack, he said "We are both wild" but to me he said "You have this innocence to you, the way your eyes get big" He also mentioned its like a charm later on. From looking at my baby pictures I have always had a wondrous look in my eyes, its just part of my personality---I believe it is a great thing, but not very masculine, so its not helping me get laid exactly!

But.. innocence..? What does that mean? What I realized is this: during my life, especially in grade school I have been a bit of an easy target for ridicule and teasing. I've dealt with it, but never knew why. I honestly had no clue... But this all makes sense. Immediately my ego felt a bit pushed. The rest of this week will not be the same, as Steph told his truth and now my vibe turned from "wow these guys are like my new family" to "shit... I need to keep my ego in check."

The great thing about this meet is although everyone interacts like a new group of close friends, every night Steph records for a few hours pummeling into us his brilliant advice about inner game, relationships, and meditations. He mentioned numerous times that the ego feels hurt when an aspect of itself is exposed. Well during my turn to ask Steph questions, the first thing he does is say something to the effect of "Here are some newbie questions from Bigsend. First, have you ever been with a bisexual girl?" My ego got hit, is it because I still look at myself as a "newb" even though I have been with girls before? I play along with it and just have fun, sort of in the moment... but something was off. If you guys buy the BGTP you'll probably hear me get clowned in it. And based on the fact that everyone in the room was cracking up like crazy, I'm sure it was funny as hell. I did feel love in the room, people were laughing at me, but also with me. But later my ego definitely began to stir once again.

The truth is, I am cloaked by the veil of anonymity. BigSend is not my real name so there should be no reason why I should care. But this really pointed out something I have not figured out since grade school. Why am I an easy target? I thank Steph for pointing it out and exploiting it a bit. By him exploiting it, it reminded me that I really do have a big ego and things like getting good grades, approaching sets in front of friends, being the first chosen for something all partly fuel my ego and nothing else. That is, doing well in school is important for success in life, but part of my motivation is to do better than my peers. My school only encourages it more because everything is graded on a curve. Most people would say "you got disrespected dude!" But the way he was teasing me was more like how my big brother would tease me. It wasn't like he said "We have questions for an loser. Lets just get through with it. Okay lets go" In fact, during the last session, Steph kicked a guy out for interrupting him during the recording. I realized that Steph wouldn't do that to me unless he really didn't like me.

Well after my question session with Steph, getting a bit tooled and having my ego tossed, my vibe changed. I smoked some weed that night and suddenly my old brain kicked in, the analytical side which I had put on hold to open up my eyes. I started looking at everyone around me and assessing them. Even Ariel, the guy I admired for his ideas on money I interrogated a bit, which I do regret as he is a very good guy. But, weed does that to me. But I think it was a good thing I happened to randomly smoke weed (it has been like 2+ months). I began to analyze myself and realized how much my ego was defining my path in life. That is, I realized I am defined by my fears, not my love. This needs to change. The love I felt with this IG crew turned to confusion, but then back again to love. I reminded myself how lucky I am to be sitting in on this event and so fucking what if my ego isn't happy. I am getting awesome value and I don't have anything to prove.

After that day I took a couple days off of the IG crew. For one thing, I needed to catch up on school work, another I wanted to see my new nephew of 6 months. While playing with my nephew and seeing how cute he is, cuddly, smiling and fun my heart completely opened up. I felt amazing love for this kid. Soon after I recall what Steph said about chakras that it is not just about meditation, it is about merging with things of nature. I didn't realize this. So I mentally redid the Red-chakra meditation by merging my consciousness with a tree. That is, I simply imagined what it would be like to be a tree, firmly rooted in the ground, sucking up energy from deep within the earth and letting it come out of me in the form of leaves and fruits while being securely planted in the ground. I did similar things with the other chakras till the Heart Chakra. This I listened to Steph's Green (Heart) meditation. At first it was weird hearing this guys voice both in real life and in the meditation tapes, but it was cool.

I felt so elated and high when doing the green mediation. It reminded me that even when people tease me I really notice they do it because they like me, I am truly loved. I notice that when I tease people too, I do it because I like them and seeking rapport. I am kind of an easy target, but so what? I just need to remember that its okay, I have nothing to prove and its only my ego that is hurt---my heart feels more loved. Thanks for twisting my nipple Steph, you filthy bastard! I am an easy target to make good, well rounded friends. I am a bad target for truly evil people. I notice this all the time in real life but didn't yet make that connection.

So a couple days pass and I go back to Steph for the next recording session. This session like 30+ people showed up and I didn't get a chance to really talk to Steph. We exchanged a few words but I mostly schmoozed with other people. Also their recording equipment was fucking up so I lent Ghita a hand in the computer issues. I got to really talk to her for this first time and she is a very charming girl and shit, she is my age! 21! Steph is like 31. Ghita looks about 18 (in a good way) but acts like a 27 year old in maturity. She has this girly frontal attitude, sort of a blowing in the wind, in the moment however when you ask her to do something important, she does it with confidence, thus I notice she has a very good balance of femininity along with masculinity. Anyway, me and RRandal (forum name) fix the recording shit and then we are off. Steph does a talk about the "Relationship Matrix" which I believe is a sister to the "Social Matrix" the dating community talks about.

The basic idea of the relationship matrix is that in modern days, the man is not hunting and fighting daily, he is driving an SUV and paying $5 for a Happy Meal. At the same time, women are not solely dependent on men for survival of themselves and the babies, women in today's world have many choices. In fact, the only reason there are relationships is because of a biological drive to connect and reproduce, there is no more survival reason. So in a sense we have evolved over 100,000s of years and only in the last few dozen generations has there been this sudden change. The divorce rate now is like 50% and probably the only reason there wasn't a high rate 50 years ago was because divorces were taboo. The solution to this issue in Steph's eyes is interdependent circles, where it is one man and two+ females in which the females are all loving each other and the man is the masculine center. Although the man isn't hunting and being a warrior, being able to handle the two women requires a lot of masculine energy. At the same time, the rapport women have with each other is something a man can never truly emulate, and a one man, one woman relationship lack that level of rapport. However like in early-man days of polygamy, the rapport women share is back in circles and the energies balance. With this, the man can still drive his SUV to the market and pick up some steak and the woman can energize each other.

Now at first this sounds like some ideal, wonderland thing, but this is not true. The man must be very masculine as there will be LOTS of issues coming to the surface, and all these issues must be dealt with right away to keep the relationship alive. Also, by dealing with these issues it serves as an amazing way to do self-help on yourself. Among the things that come up are jealousy, insecurities, self-doubt, girls feeling secondary, keeping the relationship balanced, etc etc. Honestly I can't go into that here, I don't even know where to being, I may have to listen to the BGTP like 10 times along with get me one of those bi-sexual girls.

This past week was not a simple walk in the park for me. (Though it was for most of the people there). I met some amazing group of people but I also had to deal with my ego issues. Steph and I were messing with each other like how I'd mess with my big brother and how he'd mess with me, however even when my big bro would mess with me years ago, I did feel ego stings. Its all related and I thank Steph for bringing this to the table (even though he probably didn't intend it). The last meeting we were all outside and did a final Q&A. I realized at that moment that Ideagasms is a special group, a group of true givers and people who love openly. A group of seekers who strive to love better and better and let their pride and ego subside. This is an amazing group of people. I also realized that there is a lifetime worth of information in handling circles. BGTP is going to be an in depth introduction with lots of examples, stories, questions but after seeing Steph and Brandon and HomoJack, I realized I need to be in the pudding to taste it.

Steph's Girlfriend Training Program link. I HIGHLY recommend this program even if you have never been in a relationship. In fact, I listened to this before my first relationship and it gave me a solid understanding of what goes on and at the same time you get to hear LOTS of people's mistakes and how to overcome those mistakes. This program is like a long Q&A session where each question is something almost every guy thought of while in a relationship or even if not in a relationship, such as "how does one deal with a girl who is too bossy?"

Also, Yintegrity is Bandon's & Amyjo's company and they were the other circle couple involved in the recording. I just bought their ebook so I'll see what its like, but basically it seems like an ideagasms but for women. A heart centered relationship manual but for woman.

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Posted by BigSend at 8/04/2007 03:28:00 PM | | Comments

I Have Been Thinking A Lot About My Past, But something isn't right....

Lately (more so now) I have been thinking over and over about various childhood occurrences. Things that puzzled me or ideas I accepted as fact are coming into my head all over again and I am realizing new things.

Here is an example:

At around 10 years old, Back in Sunday school (this has nothing to do with religion btw) I used to tease (and get teased on) by this girl whom I had a HUGE crush on, but there were moments I recall teasing her rather harshly and she had a peculiar facial expression, however she didn't look at my face. Ie., I would tease her, and she would be looking somewhere else and getting very red in the face. To this day I remember one incident and it hasn't left me, yet I thought hard about it and back then concluded she wasn't paying attention to me--I still had my secret crush.

As the years went by, the teasing got less but we always had a little bit of an ambivalent friendship as class mates, and no we never went beyond class-friends. I honestly could not understand why we always had an awkward friendship until now.

Being in this seduction-community, my social awareness has gotten rather keen compared to the past. But this incident and countless others are constantly running through my head lately. Incidents where I got in trouble with teachers and parents---I look back on it now and realize the teachers were insecure and unsure how to handle the situation. Parents were mad because they were just letting out frustration and it happen to be on me..

Example: I was in a carpool and the driver ran over a key and the tire popped. We all got out to see what happened and she was very upset, to say the least. I said something (not sure what) and she screamed at me to be quiet. Screamed. Mind you I was like 9 years old probably.

Also sports is huge---I rethink sports a lot and how I was so insecure back in my teenage days that it affected my ability to compete. I fantasize now how I could easily be the top sports player because I just don't give a fuck anymore and I have such good work ethic.


The thing is this---I feel mostly a spiritual divide between my childhood and now, but its only been 3+ years! I am 21 and these events happened from 18 downward. Spiritually I feel I changed so much, I feel like a different person. The way I talk to girls (and guys too), flirt with girls, the way I hold myself up, the way I react, the way I listen, so much has changed, so now I look back on the past and sometimes I ruefully contemplate how ridiculous my childhood was at times. It was like someone else lived my childhood.

The reason for this post is: why am I re-thinking the past? Is this normal for people spiritually changing?

---I am reading Power of Now and listened to GTP like 5 times and I know Guilt is a useless emotion. Thing is, I never felt religious---probably because Judaism prayers are in Hebrew so I never understood a word I'd say in temple. (I feel only a cultural connection to Judaism). So religiously I don't think I have any guilt.

I also know focusing on the past is a waste---just learn from it and be in the moment.. but its so hard. Its hard to explain, but suffice to say I am a "Dreamer" and I can't help but fantasize and imagine things. I am imagining the past all the time, its almost like how people describe mid-life crisis, but I am only at my quarter life!

The past is constantly on my mind.

Spiritually, what do you guys think is going on here?


Also, nothing insane happened in my past, like my parents burning in front of me or whatever. I think all the events are fairly PG-13.

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Posted by BigSend at 3/24/2007 03:53:00 PM |

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