http://bigsendworld.com

Dr. Paul was kind enough to comment my situation. Since I am not the only one in the PUA community who has gotten a bad rejection, I feel this letter speaks to all of us, so I am putting it up here.

It seems it was accidentally posted twice on my blog, but this one includes a top PS which I found very profound. Me "acting" like my mother was really me projecting how I wanted her to act towards me. When she would kiss me passionately, take my hand, hold me close... I felt so powerful, I felt AMAZING.... so I projected this onto her.

I have learned that I can't do that, I need to give my women (all people) the space they need and be natural about it. I must allow the woman to fill in the space herself too--give her that privledged and opportunity.

I must give women he gift of missing me, even my touch, eye contact, and attention. In the beginning, I played a little bit "harder to get" with Eve and she started chasing me. After she "got" me, I stayed. I didn't "push" in the Push/Pull... I just kept pulling her. I hypnotized myself into falling for her, now that I think about it. By me pulling her, I convinced myself she was what I always wanted.

But she is but another girl in my story of life... Dr. Paul's comments are very powerful to me... I hope you all find them equally enlightening..

P.S. we "project" onto others what we would like to be treated with. Your first experience of femininity is your mom, so that's why you treated her just as your mom treated you. On a certain level you were hoping to get back what you were giving you...but that's not what her personality was all about...her responses to you are based on how you stack up against her dad!

So that's the technical. Here are some big picture ideas...

Whoa, BIgsend I am sorry to hear the difficulty you went through.

This is why I do the specific seminars for men as I do--(next one in chicago June 16-18th through doctorpaul.net).

As Neil learned in his experience, there's way more to the connection of a man and woman than sexual attraction and pickup. Right. I know, "No duh."

I think young Jedi, you hav ereached a level of pickup that is on the order of pretty much knowing the basic mechanics of "what works," but consider some of what you learn to be a rather mechanical thing. You know, memorizing "routines" and the like, using abbreviations and coined terms and the like..it's fun stuff, and at the beginner level, simplifies things...

But what about when you reach a level of some mastery. Do you go after any 10 you see and get her interest, even her loyalty for a time, intimacy with her...and then what?

Well, then... the whole rest of HUMAN PSYCHOLOGY matters.

And some things much more important, mysterious, and rich than just pickup alone.

It is the notion of STORY. and I don't mean the "stories you memorize to DHV in a stack and display an interesting personality." That's great training wheels but if you make that your life, you demean all it means to be human. One thing that will always separate us from machines is that we have unique STORIES that we all belong to.

I'll get this out there right now, as a beginning of what I mean, and the core of my technologies (I appreciate your kind words about them):

HAS IT EVER OCCURRED TO ANYONE TO BE SELECTIVE ABOUT THE WOMEN YOU CHOOSE, FROM MOMENT ONE?

Have you ever heard of a guy who went for the 10s, got them, and then in most cases was miserable? What more is there to go for? An 11? And of those 10s, what happens when you wake up next to them and they're whining, and needy, or worse, incapable of love, as many an MPUA fears in himself?

Part of my mission to you and to all men is to find your STORY with you, and where it perfectly fits that of the one woman who is meant for you at the right time.

Are we talking about that girlyman stuff called love?? ECK! Nooooooooooooo!

Commitment? Noooooooooo! Don't even say that word! we say as men.

Yes, let's talk about that wussy thing called love, and that death-knell called commitment that all men fear (as all of the guys who rush out to buy Sperm Wars know).

What if, just what if... there really is such a thing as a woman whom you would WANT to commit to? even commit to for life?

Could such a woman exist?

In the animal kingdom, no. To a wolf or a frog or a worm, a hotchick is a hotchick is a hotchick.

But we are more than animals.

And the one thing perhaps more than anything else we have over animals, is a STORY to follow through our lifetime.

YOUR STORY WITH THIS WOMAN WAS NOT RIGHT FOR HER in the end, and therefore COULD NOT BE RIGHT FOR YOU.

But you DO have a story. And guess what your story tracks along with? It's right in the mindOS ebook--your CHARACTER GROWTH, your maturity process, which is what exactly what psychoanalysis tracks, and tweaks, and changes and improves, like no other "technology" in existence. Today only 6000 people nationwide are in psychoanalysis. Because it's expensive and insurance won't pay for it.

But guess what--it's the realest or real deals for figuring this stuff out.

Here's an example or two.

I once loved a woman more than any other. I was your age. We traveled through Europe backpacking, and although I DID buy her gifts, they were by my own CHOOSING at my own time, and were not given in NEEDINESS or manipulative attempts at control (which is what some pickup styles do ANYWAY). I bought them simply because I LOVED her, and she did indeed appreciate and respect me, even after receiving them.

Yet I was way too young to marry, although I did propose and we did become engaged. It didn't work out in the end, but not simply because of the mechanics of my overcoming s1, or a2, or LMP blah blah, but because the STORY was not meant to go all the way to marriage. You see, however it worked itself to failure, the relationship conspired with her STORY and my STORY to find that they were simply not compatible to continue beyond a certain level.

Guess what caused that? Our two respective CHARACTERS, or maturities of personality had growing to do and life to live. I NEVER would have been teaching men now. I never would have become a famous author, etc, nor felt the deep satisfaction helping as many people as I now do, if I had STAYED with that woman and committed to her. I would have been some Godforsaken Surgeon, cranking out operations on a managed care assembly line.

My personal STORY has me right here right now for a reason. This is what I was meant to be and do, and the same is true for you. No matter how sad I was at "losing her" or how I wondered what I had done "wrong," you see there is no "wrong" about endings such as what you have been through.

Yet of course guys LOVE technology, we like controlling the future through it if we can, so if there's one secret amazing technical thing I teach people in seminars and everywhere else, it's this:

THE ONE THING I COULD HAVE CONTROLLED ABOUT THE SITUATION would have been to SLOW DOWN and be open to investigating the woman's STORY, to see if it fit my OWN. in other words, the "shortcut" to guessing the FUTURE with a woman is a deep psychoanalytic understanding of her CHARACTER, or makeup of her personality maturity.

If you know this, YOU KNOW THE FUTURE WITH HER. Freud said, "CHARACTER IS DESTINY." This means the future destiny you have with a woman is LITERALLY what emerges from the blend of character traits you have together.

Enter KWML technology. You know the future.

At the time o fmy "massive engagement breakup" I went to chat with a friend, a young guy at the local Pittsburgh Archdiocese named Father Drew Morgan. Of all the cool philosophical things he told me as means of "getting over it" there was ONE amazing thing he said. It made me stay up for several nights pondering it. He said, "Have you ever thought in the midst of all this failure thinking and sad emotions, to just pray for your future wife? That she's healthy and strong, and has the skill to find YOU?"

WHOA.

I mean, I don't know where you stand on your spirituality, but I don't care if you're a Transsexual Buddhist Sikh Republican, this concept is earth-shaking.

It pulls you right up out of the pages of your life and lets you look down on the looooooong view of what your life is to be. "There will be another" as Yoda says in Star Wars, and this woman was not the ONE. Why not prepare yourself for the REAL ONE.

That means living your life. living your STORY.

Years later, I get invited to a wedding of a hot girlfriend. She decides to have it at the beach of Cabo San Lucas of all places. great. gotta pay the plane flight and take my girlfriend of the time, and I just rejected appearing on the Bachelor, and on top of it all, they are filming the Bachelorette at the same resort we were going to stay at. I'm going to get all kinds of grief from the current girlfriend of the time about that one, because they showed my audition on ABC against my wishes.

But hey, there was no option but to go. My friend Nat had lost her mom to cancer just 2 months before the wedding, and we HAD to be there. It was the right thing to do.

Once there it's all somber. i mean it's celebratory, but also sad in a way. Her mom is gone and she should have been there.

Still, it's beautiful and gets you thinking about life and love and what it's all about as the sun goes low on the horizon.

The wedding march starts, and you're out there on a peninsula nearly surrounded by water at this happy moment of your friends' commitment.

Then a song started. Pachelbel's Canon. you know, the song from the old GE Soft White Light Blub commercial. They play it these days at every wedding and it's beautiful.

Then something strikes me.

Yes. That's it. It was the same piece of music that my ex-fiancee played THE FIRST TIME WE MADE LOVE.

Years had passed and it struck me. I missed her even though I was with someone else. It had been REAL LOVE I think, and yet didn't have a STORY that was meant to continue.

So I think about what a "Canon" is. It's a melody played over and over in countless variations until it reaches the most sophisticated point--the climax. like row row row your boat...same melody over and over, but different sounds and texture as new players join in...

And it was then that I realized the end of grieving my ex-relationship and saw it BOTH as a love and a story meant to end...

...because a Canon is like our relationship lives. There is a kind of melody to us that never goes away, a temperament...that is what KWML is all about...

...but that melody gets played in countless interesting unique and beautiful ways with each new relationship we have, growing richer, more textured, you might even say more mature. And could only have the sound it does by virtue of the uniqueness of each woman's personality--not "notches on the bedpost," but real heartfelt connections. Loves.

Until you reach the climax of exploration of your melody, your character, and that is where the song ends and the marriage ceremony takes place. hopefully to be more than just "a love", and WAY more than a "years-long pickup" process, but a durable love that can only be like two stories that join.

As I thought of something to say at the somber reception, I remembered a second thing. one of my old professors once said that in dreams there is only one UNIVERSAL symbol, and that is that "water always means 'Mother'."

And so I told my friend and the wedding party of this, and that in a way, at least symbolically, in the story of their joined lives, that her mother WAS there.

When no one INCLUDING the bride and groom could say why it was they had to choose CABO of all places for a wedding (they just liked it), now we know why... we were SURROUNDED on all sides by WATER, symbolically, by her very own MOTHER.

It was one of the most meaningful experiences of my life to share this couples' happiness with each other, and the insight into what commitment and love really are.

So BigSend, young Jedi, the next time you have a "weird feeling" about a girl, that there is something that feels like the "L" word brewing in you, there's no need to avoid getting a gift because it's not alpha to do so. Don't be a needy little codependent boy either, but if as a confident man who feels love and has STRENGTH in the personal boundary, you want to give a gift out of love, then DO so.

If she's the one, it is that superpowerful skill I teach you all, the one called Observing Ego, which is the very Eye that looks down on your personal STORY to read it. Your Observing Ego can see if her story is perfect as a match to your own, like for my two friends in Cabo, who "just knew" they were the ones for each other.

Then you'll see a story grow around you and the woman that protects your bond, and from which you couldn't escape if you tried, and wouldn't come about because you peacock, or do DHVs, or stacked openers.

Your story and hers are BIGGER than you and all the tactics you can learn. Observing Ego helps you read it, and sometimes, especially during a breakup, that's all you can do--read and learn.

Then next time, you can CHOOSE WISELY, and take it slowly before mistaking LUST for LOVE.

So here we go again, opening up a whole slew of ideas for debate, and growth for us all...

Thanks for having the guts to put your genuine self out there as you do...

Dr Paul

Posted by BigSend on Friday, May 12, 2006 at 5/12/2006 02:39:00 AM | Permalink