You Know What, I Don't Feel That Bad
In retrospect, I don't feel bad. It was a rejection and that is part of the game and part of life; I am a late bloomer and experiencing these things a few years later in life than others. If you read my earlier posts, I rated Eve a 6.5/7 then I raised it to an 8. Why did I do that? She IS a 6.5/7, but I raised her to an 8.
Because I was not "in love" with her, I was in love with this image of an "ideal" girl to fill the girl-friend role I never had filled. She knew that! I know she must have seen through my actions, my act of falling for her so soon. She knew that it wasn't right. She even said "things are going too fast" but at the time I interpreted that as "we are getting too close to sex too soon" but now I know she REALLY meant "you are falling in love with me too fast..."
She was the first girl I acted this way towards in my entire life. I felt like I needed to protect her, I felt like I needed her to be helped by me. I never felt this way about anyone. We went to a random festival on campus (some American Indian thing) while we were on our date, and I bought her a necklace. I had this inclination to just give her a gift, like it was some instinctual, primordial inclination.
I know, I know, I broke 100 PUA Dogma rules but my emotions were guiding me. I wasn't emotionally intelligent. Even though I knew logically I was breaking these rules, I didn't care! I felt like Eve and I were above it!
In truth it is very good she broke it off with me. I was in love with the image of a girl taking the role of LTR for me. Eve herself wouldn't be a good LTR, she was as fucking party girl who calls me at 12:30Am to hook up with only 3-4 hours of comfort...
This bird has flown. Don't worry about me guys, I feel so much better now. I got a taste of what it is like to love a girl (a very illusionary, temporary, small portion taste) and I feel so privledged to get that feeling. I wanted her to be so happy and I'd do anything to make her happy. I got to experience what it is like to love someone. Then I lost her!
Last night I felt what true rock bottom was, I felt sick, I wanted to puke or cry. But when I realize this, realized it was all in illusion, all in my mind. Realized that I was just leading her on because I didn't love her for "her" I loved her for my image of her. I mean, how could I really fall in love in 1 week like that?? Its in sane? I just needed a void to fill.
Anyway, it was 12AM last night and Grungey10 gave up his time to talk to me for 30 minutes on an Saturday Night to help me out. Same with Ulysses and there is no reason for me to be sad of some week-old girl when I have these life-long friends.
Now I know exactly what mistakes I made very clearly and I will not make them again. When I was holding her hand, logically I knew this wasn't right, but emotionally I did NOT care. (all 2 years of PUA study, and I didn't fucking care), but now that I learned this emotionally, I feel I have awakened.
Also I just started an affirmation "I am in control of my emotional self" and I think that has helped me a lot. Whenever I feel said or regretful, I repeat that to myself and I feel my mind is re-aligning to a more mature, solid boundary.
Its like what Dr. Paul says: "Don't let the outside world control your inner gold" That is, we can't control anything beyond us: weather, traffic, stock market, other people, girls, etc. We can't control them! Trying to control them is SUFFERING! And suffering is not being in control of your emotions... so why let something you can't control rob you of your inner "gold". We shall learn from mistakes, not live in them.
So comments are open now, fire away if you want...
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Considering you seem to be into inner game, have you ever tried dropping the ratings system for women? You know, simplify your opinion of her as either attractive or unattractive. That way you might take more things into account and center on the interaction, like how she treats you and how she reacts when you do the things you want to do.
You said that you “played her down” to a 6.5 although you considered her more physically-appealing than that, and in a way I agree it’s the thing to do. Other people will probably always treat good looking women as special. That won’t change, but if she buys into it then it’s a strike against her. Because a lot of them do buy into it, that means every woman other people would term as fine automatically begins in the unattractive category and has to prove otherwise.
Posted by
alluringreality |
Sunday, May 07, 2006 9:30:00 PM
Its weird how she would suck your dick but then felt it was going too fast when you were holding hands.
Maybe she wanted to make another guy jealous?
Remember not to break the rules ever. Don't think that you and her are above it. It's like when a girl is getting all bitchy you wouldn't break the rules and start apologising to her. (She would feel better then, but her attraction would decrease)
Posted by
Anonymous |
Monday, May 08, 2006 8:48:00 AM
Dude.. you met her like twice, and got a blowjob... and you think you experienced love? That's pretty out there. When you actually do experience love, you'll realise how silly you sound right now.
Posted by
Anonymous |
Monday, May 08, 2006 6:25:00 PM
There is a lot more to this, Mr. Anonymous. Besides I don't know what "it" was. It was probably infatuation, thats the word most people seem to use.
Eitherway I never felt that way before. Whether or not I "deserved" or "earned" this feelingg because I was only with her for a week is not the point.
I already do look back on it and think how pathetic it was how I fell so fast... but WHY did I fall so fast? What caused me to fall....
Well I have some ideas that require me to search inside myself much deeper. I'll make a blog post about it later when I summon the stength to write it.
The crazy thing was... I found myself acting like my mother... I'll just make a full post about it, but I feel it roots back to how clingy my mother was to me as a child...
Posted by
BigSend |
Monday, May 08, 2006 6:30:00 PM
That's tough man and I can feel that as I've been there twice now.
Here's the best advice I can give you. Whenever you think you've got her, don't get too carried away. She will test you to see if you can make it. Pretend that you don't care. No matter how much it
eats away at you.. pretend you don't care.
Anyway, goodluck man. I was a late bloomer too so to speak. I had my first heart break when I was 18. Which incidentally was three months ago ha.
Posted by
Anonymous |
Tuesday, May 09, 2006 10:12:00 AM