A Deep Realization, A New Perspective
Of all the things that happened in the past week, beyond Eve, beyond Pick Up, beyond the surface is this core realization of what happened to me...
Honestly, what did happen to me?? I talked to a lot of guy friends and had deep conversations with every one of them, they all experienced the same thing at one point. One of my friends, my roommate, said his experience left him cold with women (and he now can Pick Up women real easily, hes not a "jerk"), another good friend told me he didn't talk to anyone for an entire month almost. Other friends just sympathized with me, but didn't even want to go into their stories. I know they had them. Other's, like Grungey from captivate to connect, told me how he came from rock bottom and is a romatanic by nature.
Who are we when we fall in love? Whether or not it is a girl we have been with for years, or a girl we just met and it was "love" at first (or second) sight hehe? Someone posted a comment saying that I should just wait till I fall into a very long relationship and see what that break up is like... but fuck that shit. That is about the worst shit I have ever read. What happened between me and Eve was a blessing because it gives me a chance to taste the little bit of reality of what WOULD happen if it had extended 6 months. Now I have a better idea of how to avoid what happened to me.
In my life, Eve was the first girl who let me love her how I truly wanted to, even though she let me go in the end.
So where I am I going with this? What huge revelation did I come to? Why is this so important....
Well... I realized... I started acting like my Mother when I was falling for her. Yeah... my mom was overprotective, she was sometimes a bit over loving. I didn't like it at all, I still don't, but the mind bending thing is that I was starting to act like that towards Eve before she had to stop me. With all the PUA Dogma I have been reading for the past 2 years, I fucking bought Eve a gift on our date! It was a $4 necklace that matched the color of her eyes. That is the exact kind of shit my Mom would do to me when I was much younger... buy me a sweater because it matched my fingernail color or something. I also would always hold her hand, touch her, talk to her... (I couldn't freeze her out, at least not emotionally at that point. How can a baby like me freeze out who he feels for? This baby needs to grow up)
I love my mother, not comparable to anything else in the world, but my mother has her own story that I don't feel I can write out---but she is the mother she is.. regardless I am the person I am now, but I refuse to stay static and cold. My ultimate goal is to keep evolving and reaching my bliss. This means I need to evolve past my clingyness which influenced my childhood. My mother's clingyness repelled me very much, so I imagine it did the EXACT same thing to Eve.... fuck that was the revelation...
What I will do in the next relationship is concentrate on DELAYED gratification. I will concentrate on giving the girl a lot more space and allowing her to fill the void between us. I will focus on making the girl feel she is giving more than I am giving.
I will need to mature and not allow my emotions to dictate my actions. Animals and children do that, men need to be emotionally intelligent and understand the degree of emotions needed per situation. (I just read Emotional Intelligence, so this makes sense to me. I suggest all you guys check out that book to know what I mean if you desire).
You see, Dr. Paul and Zan talk about all this stuff in their relationship models. Though I have read it and seen it on DVD's, I never understood it till now. (Another thing I didn't understand till now is The Beatles "Rubber Soul" but that's another matter hehe).
Man, sometimes I am so amazed that only knowing a girl for a week could drive me like this. How desperate I must have been. 2 years of pick up only getting sub-par girls and lots of rejections. I don't blame myself for having these emotions. The way I'd touch her and she'd touch me... never a moment we weren't touching each other, and she would do some subtle push pull, looking into my eyes and casually kissing me, then she would look into my eyes with the most loving gaze, her pupils would dilate and I had to kiss. She had to kiss, she had to bite, she took me in her arms and I in her and we shared the same breath. Kiss this girl, every time I looked at her, I had more of a crush on her. We'd wake up at the same time in the morning and start kissing, I loved every inch even her flaws, her vagina was always moist and I was always hard. Oh she would bite my lip with such passion as I would press her. The orgasms I gave her caused her body to completely shake, like some internal quake as she begged me to rub faster but I didn't and she kissed me like I couldn't imagine being kissed. Her scent turned me on like the way a man should be turned on and we hooked up for hours... from 12AM to 4Am and I didn't want to stop but my fuel ran out. I needed to recharge... from 7AM till probably 9:30AM we went at it again then I had class. No she came back.. again.. I saw her almost every day for that week. Oh me.
I have these memories, the first girl who I felt infatuation for, maybe even the seeds of what could have been real love. Not like a stupid party hook up, but I felt something like nothing before. Now I am back home, back in the lab. In search of my next love and sarging is that key. I can't be with just any girl, I have to be with a lover. I am a lover.
BUT I can't make the same mistakes again, as a child can't make the same mistakes like touching a hot iron for the first time, or avoiding falling off his bike. I have to learn how to correctly be in a relationship. How ignorant I was in the past, for I did not pay closer attention to Dr. Paul's ideas on relationships. I figured I'd understand when I got there. Oh how right was I, now I do understand... I must make sure this loss will enable me to learn so when I find a lover again, it will work.
Dr. Paul teaches the idea that each person has inner "gold", and a relationship where a partner gives the other that "gold" is doomed. It is co-dependent. A powerful relationship is one where each partner shares each other's time, desire, commitment, where we can radiate everything we are, not give away everything we are.
I suggest you guys get Dr. Paul's MindOS for more info, but when you read it... try to understand it on its deeper levels.
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Oh wow, I never thought of it like that. The story of our lives..
Our lives sometimes do feel like a story, and something I talked to Eve about was this new idea I came across that all our lives are a story... in that old men would look back on their lives and see that all the events which enumerated their lives seemed very ordered and structured, even though at the time they felt random.
I need to understand that Eve is just a chapter in my never-ending story of lessons. Analyzing my women's stories and seeing if they match my own is a heavy concept and I personally need to think about that or re-read your comments a few more times
I appreciate your advice so much. I'm going to need to re-read it, I may also see Eve again (I didn't mention all the details in the blog) but I LJBF'd her and I'll take a closer look at her if I see her again for lunch or something...
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BigSend |
Tuesday, May 09, 2006 6:42:00 PM