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This blog post goes back to the previous posts about speaking my truth and the girl I met in the gym. First post here, second post here.

In the last post I talked about how I told her my truth when she would ask a question.For example, she said "Oh so you just wanted to nail me, not be my friend." And I said "I never nail a girl just for fun. To me sex without emotion is masturbation. My answer is both friend andnail only IF you are cool with it too. If not, I respect your choice""Told you I am honest and upfront when we met. That is who I and the people I let into my life are. Take it or leave it babe. Yes I think you're cute but I require more."


Here is what happened since:

The next day she texted me asking if I wanted to go to the gym with her and I replied that I can’t. I am super busy at the moment and I had already went to the gym yesterday (finals are coming up). Things escalated a bit more and then she asked me if I wanted to go to a bar with her. Nice! I could easily finish my work and head to a bar, sounded very appealing to me.

However, after this she got back to me about 30 minutes later and asked if I’d rather go Salsa Dancing. Now I don’t like doing brand new things on dates. That is, if I have never gone surfing, I wouldn’t go surfing on a first date and have her see me eat shit for 2 hours on waves. I mean, I know this is pride and ego talking here, but if I have a choice between a bar (my best setting) or a Salsa Club or Surfing (or anything I am a newbie at), I would choose a bar.

But my girl begged me to go! She was saying "Pleeaasssee" in a crackly voice on the phone—she really stuck to her guns on this one. I do not know how to salsa dance but I DO want to learn. It is a goal of mine to get that down and have fun with it sometime in the future, but it’s not of much importance yet. Either way, I started to get more into my ego/mind because I was conflicted. On the one hand, I do want to learn salsa dancing, but on the other hand I felt insecure being a total newbie salsa dancer around her, especially in a Pro Salsa Club.

As a side note, the Salsa Club is a place couples go to a dance with other guys and girls. So essentially I’d be in a place where Salsa lovers go, dance with each other and I would end up sucking with every girl while my girl would be man handled, flipped around, and spun around by random Salsa pros. Not my cup of tea, especially for a first date. However I’d be stoked to check a Salsa club out with a solid girlfriend. (In fact, in writing this, I feel I still made the right choice. I’d have only gone to the Salsa club to fuck my girl afterwards and that is no good reason).

So with that conflict going on in my brain-tool* I knew I sounded wishy-washy on the phone. Eventually, after her sending me like 100 texts begging me to go. One of her texts said she pay for my admission and another promised me a "sexy fun time" I felt a bad tug in my gut—I don’t jive with pussy power—that is her trying to seduce me by just offering her pussy and nothing else. So another part of me felt I can’t reward a girl for pussy power. I flat out said "No. I’ll explain why when you call" (Oh yeah, she was at work at the time and couldn’t talk on the phone).

Looking back, a part of me is like "Damn she would have fucked me!" but another part of me is like "But I don’t know any Salsa, I’d be a total newbie in a Salsa Club while my girl is with alpha Salsa guys" Another part is like "I do not give positive reinforcement to girls who offer pussy in exchange" and another part was like "But I do want to learn salsa, perhaps this is a perfect opportunity and I don’t care what others think—oh well if shefalls for other salsa guys" Bahhhhh so much shit in my head! What happened to being my truth? Following my heart and fading out my ego/mind-tool.

Looking back, my heart wanted me to experience Salsa—I always wanted to learn it and this was an opportunity. Nothing to do with sex, pussy, watching my girl get tapped around, thrown under legs by pro-salsa clubbers. Fuck that, this was an opportunity for me to check out Salsa!

But I needed to experience this. I swear guys, this is one of the weirdest sets ever. Check out below of how it went down haha

Anyway, after I sent the text saying "No." she stopped responding. I still thought we’d just go to a bar instead, but nope. Nothing. I got a bit worried, thinking she got hurt or had an accident, sent her a text asking if she was all right. Nothing. Turns out, she just "went to sleep" after my "No". That is, the next morning I got a text from her saying "Sorry, fell asleep." Well, I felt she was honest though… either way I sent her a text back when I woke up in the morning groggy and sent one back "That was lame."

As the day went on it struck me… I just punished this girl for telling me the truth! I just told her she was lame after she opened up to me, was honest. Crap! I sent a text back saying "I admit at first I woke and it felt like you sleeping instead of hanging was a let down but I do appreciate your honesty very much. Next time just let me know :)" and that was it. The flame has been re-lit! We chatted some more and she asked me again to help her with school work. Unfortunately it couldn’t work out). I am about knee deep in my studies and plans.

We talked on the phone for like 40 minutes the next day, really vibed well and saw each other at Krav Maga. When I saw her, she was at the water fountain and I tapped her back (opposite side) and it startled her, she looked the opposite way, got confused, looked back at me and I just cracked up. We chatted a bit, but for some reason I didn’t hug her or make much of any physical contact. I think it was out of insecurity; I instead just back up and said "see you soon, gotta change" and went into the locker room.

Note to self: learn to be more comfortable touching and being touchy feely. The thing is, after I am in a relationship I can be very touchy feely, but before the sex I am a bit here and there.

Being my ego-venting-whining :-) it does include more to the Saga though, how we partnered up and got separated.

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Anyway Krav Maga starts off pretty well. We are partners and we do arm grabbing techniques. She missed the last week and was a bit lost so I helped her a bit… however Kevin, the instructor, had his PMS today, and today was the worst! For some reason he was a fucking biatch—he was yelling at anyone for talking during the drills. He wanted everyone to be quiet especially not give advice. That is, he only wants to teach, he doesn’t want anyone else to help, offer any assistance, or do anything except work on the drill. Now I understand that from a teacher perspective, but today he was a pest. He yelled at me at least 3-4 times to shut up and not try to help teach. In fact, one time he yelled at me for asking her to squeeze my wrist a different way—I wasn’t even teaching, just moving my mouth. Arg, whatever. Either way it really fucked up the vibe in the room. It was probably the worst Krav Maga day and if the first day was that bad I’d probably not gone to another class or switched to a different instructor—I don’t need that kind of energy vampire teaching me Krav. Besides, a couple weeks back we had a second instructor guest demonstrate for us and he was like 100x better. It was almost a joke how much better this guy was.

Anyway I had to let off that steam. The result was it got slightly weird doing Krav moves on her without saying a word. I felt restricted. I think Kevin especially had his PMS stare on me because there was obvious sexual chemistry between me and my girl. Either way, about 30 minutes in a band-aid that was on her hand came off and she went and got a new band aid. Meanwhile I had no partner. However some girl who came in late took her spot. This girl I wasn’t too fond of, I really rather not partner up with a girl (unless it’s a girl who is either tough or My Girl haha) anyway this was some fragile girl a foot shorter than me, and I am 6’3" 230Lbs. She had to put me in a head lock and it felt so awkward. I couldn’t do the technique on her because I’d end up lifting her off the ground with my back.

Arg, Kevin is a fucking twat—if he had any teaching skills he’d know to match people up based on size. That is, why would a 5’2" girl ever put me in a head lock, I get no practice trying to get a 5’2" girl off of my head.

Yeah I don’t like Kevin but glad I can finally vent all this somewhere.

Anyway my girl came back and by that time a new person came in the room late and she partnered up with him. Now it got real awkward. I could tell she’d look over at me occasionally while someone other guy practiced Krav on her. Oh well.

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So finally that shitty session ended. I would have liked to have gotten a better lesson on freeing myself from head-locks as that can be important, but perhaps that will wait. I may re-take the class but I hope the other teacher is in, not the lazy bum Kevin.

So back to the girl, she started to play aloof after Krav ended. I went over to talk to her and she acted like she was holding something in and then walked over to some other guys. Trying to make me jealous or hoping to feel my Yang masculine energy, sweep her off her feet in front of 5 guys as she walks past me. Nahh, Fuck that. And fuck her too. I’m almost over it, too much grinding gears with her. Its turning into a cat mouse game and my ego has had it.

My heart only knows love and acceptance and I am doing this as a practice to go with my heart. Though we vibe well but she is just so immature and lower than my conscious level (and seeing as how I am crying about a shitty Krav lesson, that doesn’t say much hah)—I say this because she clearly is a slave to her stimulus-responses and if she is meant to grow, she’ll end up with me; one day she’ll end up reading these blog posts, feeling very insecure, angry and resentful but if she knows what’s best for her, she’ll stick around.

For now, I got finals in less than a week. I am going to be super fucking busy and even if she wants to hang out, I can’t. I got to put her on the slow track now. After finals she goes back to her home and we’ll be far apart. If we are both single by next month, then maybe it will work out but logistically it is over for now. Here is a graph of how it went down:



All in all, this was a great experience in speaking my truth, being who I am and coming from the heart—thus passing all her tests that way. The dips in the curve above really represents times when I became in my mind-tool, thus insecure, needy and failed some "tests" (I say tests in the David Deida sense of the word—masculinity tests, Yang tests Link to his book)

With that said, wish me luck on finals. Oh, I just discovered something for myself. I notice when I lean back and have my chest out in just the right way, it opens up my solar plexus and makes me feeling powerful (Chakra) and when I keep my head up, I feel a rush of energy in my head (I think this is 3rd eye Chakra or Sacral Chakra) then when I slightly rotate my fore-arms so its like my hands face outward, it opens up my heart energy Chakra. I am just playing around with this, but I wanted to mention it anyway.

*I say brain-tool as a back reference to an earlier post on how I view my brain as a tool which judges data, recognizes patterns and offers suggestions—just like my hand handles things, my feet help me walk, and my eyes are tools for seeing.

Labels: Commentary, Field Reports, Ideas

Posted by BigSend on Friday, December 07, 2007 at 12/07/2007 02:54:00 AM | Permalink