http://bigsendworld.com

I began doing a new affirmation (this one on "I don't want or need validation or approval from anyone") for about three days then something weird started happening to me. I noticed I started to either not care, or really dislike every one around me, even the whole concept of Pick Up. E.g., what the fuck are we learning this for? For some dumb chick who is an emotion time-bomb anyway? So we can get laid every night, but then when married not get laid. Or, why am I even talking to this person, s/he offers no value to me---she has a boy friend, no point talking --- or he is a dumbass, no point.

Yeah, I don't know why, but I kept asking myself these questions. I could focus and control it, but the second I let go, these ideas would come back into my head. Whenever I talked to someone, I had to fake it and act like my "old" self.

I knew it had something to do with the affirmation, but ideally the idea of not wanting or needing validation from anyone sounds perfect---won't care about social rejection, what others think. I won't ask for approval (like asking for opinions hoping the other person would validate me)... And this was happening.. I wasn't really talking to anyone at all. I didn't care to ask people what they thought of things, what they felt. I didn't care to tell people what I felt about things. I seemed to only talk to people when I needed something out of them, like information.


This wasn't good. Something weird happened.

I emailed Dr. Paul and he got back to me with an amazing revelation. Children need validation for everything, but adults maturely validate themselves first and align themselves with others who help them out. Mature adults also accept corrective criticism as helpful, and insults as nothing. Someone who doesn't confirm a mature adult's reality won't really matter to them. This concept opens the door to the value of team-work, relationships, friend ships, and any other multi-person task. *(Full email before...)

This makes so much more sense, I do not know how I overlooked this fact, and I hope no one else here does too.


These affirmations are fucking powerful, its insane. Its like my entire psychology changed to some degree.

Well now I switch the affirmation to "I now validate myself first based on maturity, before others,...."


Anyway, during that entire period, I didn't even call one girl. Barely talked to any of my friends unless it was if I needed something from them and just sat around introspecting. In fact, I even missed out on some Approach invitation because I just didn't seem to care. Now, I feel more aligned---now that I switched the affirmation. It feels like I reset my mind and restarted it with the new affirmation.

So anyway, this week felt like a year long, it feels like I haven't updated this blog in forever, but I know its only been a few days. Since I switched the affirmation early in the 70x7 I'll see if it works to the full effect, but I have a feeling it will. Honestly, I think the 70x7 is almost overkill and its basically done when you stop feeling anything during the affirmations. But thats for you guys to find out, I can't tell you it.



Besides all that, I am taking this Computer Science course that is already having me write huge fucking projects, then Differential Equations (which is like the math behind all of physics) then I am taking another course on programming evolution. These days in lower-division classes is going to take up a lot of time, so I haven't sarged as much. However, I am considering meeting up with someone from my area to do a 1-day boot-camp. I have talked with him for a few times, and he sounds real chill and seems to know a lot. His web page is here:
Click Here

If we do a boot camp, it will happen near the end of April, and you bet I'll write a review.
I want you guys to know that this is my journal and I am not going to use it for the sake of advertisements. I do put up links to resources I have gone through, but that is part of my journey. I am not going to put up huge banner ads of David DeAngelo, in other words. So, if the bootcamp is amazing, I will write everything I can about it. If its not amazing, well I'll just write out my experiences in my journal.
(I just want to throw that out there to re-iterate the point that this site is not meant for advertisement)


*

Email with Dr. Paul. (Response first, my message below)

[BigSend],

On this question you find a juncture between boundary work and the ANGER
map.

Yes, not seeking total dependence on others is a great thing.  But you are
going down the wrong course if you totally DENY your very real need for
approval, validation, and the "belonging" that comes from being part of a
team or group.

So... we ALL need approval and validation, so don't deny this, and you'll be
happier.

The crux is in how you get it, and through whom.

Kids get total dependence on validation and approval from adults, but adults
validate and approve of THEMSELVES first, through being genuine, honest,
patient, and self-sufficient, THEN, they notice that others are attracted to
these traits, and VALIDATE AND APPROVE OF THEM EVEN MORE!

So if you value yourself FIRST, then others join in too, and get validated
back by you out of a position of strength that comes from a strong personal
boundary.

We ALL need other people, to belong to groups and teams, and to have
friendship and companionship toward common goals, especially men.

So these are NEEDS.  Not getting our needs met makes us angry, and then
possibly depressed if we don't get assertive at meeting our own goals.

So write down exactly what accomplishments would lead you to feel approval
for yourself (that are realistic and stepped, or staged, not
over-grandiose).  Write down ways of validating yourself (like paying for
expensive grooming, clothing, exercise, diet, and avoiding getting
addictions) then DO them and notice how you feel with the very real ACTIONS
that validate your WORTH to YOURSELF.

Then notice that others join in supporting and validating you. Enjoy that
and recognize that these interactions with them must be WIN/WIN.  You'll
find you have some extra energy to give back to them in validating and
accepting THEM if it is a true WIN/WIN going on.

I once joined a Rugby team.  I was the slowest to run suicide drills on the
field.  I was shocked to find the coach yelling at the top of his lungs, not
at me, but at the rest of the team for LEAVING me to be the last one running
in to the finish post.  He sent them ALL back out on the field to run the
last lap exactly parallel to me in a line, so that the WHOLE team "came
home" with me.

It was the most gratifying thing in the world; it was validating, accepting,
and belonging, but not childishly overdependent.  Rather, it was me doing my
absolute best even though I was initially (and later too) the slowest on the
team.  They were inspired to be with me as a team, and it caused me to both
do my individual best for them, but also to submit to being a part of a
winning team with them, slow as I might be.

Dr. Paul

"The future of the world will not be determined by nations, but rather in
the relations between men and women."
                         -D.H. Lawrence



-----Original Message-----
From: [BigSend]
Sent: Monday, April 10, 2006 7:11 PM
To: Dr Paul
Subject: Hey Doctor, Some deep questions....

Hey Dr. Paul!

How have you been these days? Any new plans or works with the PUA world?

Anyway, lately I have been working a lot on inner game and a deep
question struck me and I hope you could shed some light:

If the goal of a whole person is to have a solid, permeable boundary...
it means we have to patch up holes. Personally, I have a hole for
validation and approval. So I was thinking.... If I were to patch up my
hole for validation and approval so I won't need (or want) it, then I
would probably completely change as a person. I wouldn't speak or act
the same way anymore.

So my question is... if I were to lose my need/want for approval and
validation, it may mean that I would lose most of my motivation to keep
friendships and relationships. I would also not care to share new things
with people, as I wouldn't care what they think. Don't we need some
approval and validation to affirm our reality?



yeah this is a deep question.. I hope you can shed some light.

Where does a person who has no desire for validation or approval get his
happiness from: s/he won't care about material success, what their
family thinks of them, what anyone thinks.


I am doing affirmations right now to get rid of my need/want for
approval and validation and this has been a very depressing few days.
Part of my mind is still accustomed to approval/validation, but another
part is rejecting it. I used to be such a "wussy" Approval seeker, now
whenever I do an action that is approval/validation seeking, I have a
mental lapse: such as asking a friend what they think of my shirt, or
laughing at my own jokes, etc.



I don't mean for you to answer all my questions, but if you can shed
light on what it means to not seek any approval or validation from
anyone, that will help me in my path

Thanks again!
~[BigSend]

Posted by BigSend on Wednesday, April 12, 2006 at 4/12/2006 12:43:00 PM | Permalink