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Wow, what a crazy end. I took off most of my old, old blog posts from 2005 since my mind and views have changed so much since then, however one of the first girls I talked about was Claire. I met her at Saddle Ranch (the place talked about in “The Game”) of all places. She kind of played me and I fell into all her loops like the newbie I was and eventually we stopped talking.

However about last year, October of 2006 she IM’d me out of the blue and we started talking again. Around January of 2007 we finally hooked up after she broke up with her ex and she was my first fuck buddy (we were more than fuck buddies and I feel that was the problem…) that lasted more than 2 nights haha! Well, I felt fairly attached to her, we vibed real well yet at times she seemed conflicted. It was weird, she seemed so into me sometimes, and other times she seemed more confused than anything. I was treating her right and being masculine, so she really had nothing to complain about—though I think that is what made her lose interest in me. I was a nice guy and my “mean masculine” side wasn’t believable… not sure haha.

In May she went back home after college ended and we communicated just barely, maybe once every week or two. Not as much as I wanted. I desired her more than she did me and unfortunately when I am not around to make sure things are going right, she just lost interest in me I think.

During this time I was still sarging, I even pulled a girl home. Made out with a bunch of chicks. I didn’t really feel for them, I liked Claire! But I guess she didn’t really like me. She came back to school (which is located on the opposite side of the city) and she never made an effort to come over here. Then again, I didn’t make an effort to go over there, I suppose I was waiting for her to ask me out again. Shit, I made A LOT of relationship mistakes with this girl. I learned so much.

I swear, I made mistakes up till the moment I finally told her I got to cut her off. See she finally told me that she isn’t looking for me to be her boyfriend. She knew I wanted that, I never even admitted it to myself but deep down I loved her way more than she loved me, if at all. Even the girls I met over the summer didn’t compare. But then again, I didn’t get to know them on a deep level.

So I can sense already my writing style in this post is pretty gloomy. Whatever. So anyway, I told her to remove me from facebook, myspace, cell phone, AIM, etc. She seemed a bit like “wtf” but didn’t act disappointed. I know deep down she is just another insecure girl and even if she had no interest in me, it probably hurt her to have me just cut her off. She said “we were friends before we hooked up. Now its over. So you just wanted to get into my pants?” and that is not true. I loved her… and now I just want to move on. I don’t want to hear about her new boyfriends or whatever. I don’t want to “hang out” with her because I am too attracted. I want it all or nothing, call me greedy but with her out of sight and out of mind, I know I will find another girl who will love me better than her.

Yes, yes I know Claire was just a fuck buddy… but whatever. I am a lover at heart and I can’t fake that. Some girls I can fuck and it means nothing, some girls I can’t fuck without it meaning a lot. That is just me, or maybe I’m young.

Lessons Learned:

1. I need to address issues and fix them pronto.
1. waited it out too much with Claire
2. was too lenient when she had her Pussy Power moments
1. would just laugh and say “you’re aloof!” and she would just deny it and that was that
2. need to accept right away if this girl loves me as much as I love her early on
1. don’t want to get involved with a girl who doesn’t desire me at least as much as I do her
2. can get out early, but it feels like shit if I get out late
3. can’t let a girl think she can be a dead lay and I’ll be cool with it
1. loved fucking Claire even though she was kind of a dead lay sometimes
2. would just pound her and she was so cute and her voice was cute too so I was cool with it
3. in retrospect, like 80% of the time she was lazy in bed, 10% she was cumming and moving around.. and the rest of the time she seemed a bit tired
1. don’t know, just my sense. Perhaps she really was tired since we’d be doing it so late
4. NEED to frame the relationship early on as I am the leader and she is the nurturer and it is our separate responsibilities. If she doesn’t hold up her end of the bargain as “Vice President of my Heart” I got to fire her, literally
1. is taken from Stephane’s GTP and I fucking love that philosophy
2. http://www.simurl.com/gtp
5. When I sense she is not putting enough effort into the relationship and I tried everything short of desperation, I need to tell her:
1. She has to put more effort or I have to break up.
2. And for me, break ups are complete cut off. No online or cellular or personal communication.
1. Depending how far into the relationship we are in, I’ll have tried MANY things before we get to this point
2. With Claire, I honestly should have broken up a few months ago

So that is that. Lots of mistakes were made and it is too late to un-break them short of staging a life rescue for her haha. It is cool, I am very grateful for the time I had with her, these lessons. I learned more about what I want out of a relationship and what I don’t want; I also learned how to handle situations and never let problems wait. Address problems right away, no waiting—I need to make that a rule from the beginning “Problems must be dealt with right away”

What I look for in a woman now:

• Very cute (which includes):
• Cuddley
• un laugh
• Fun to play with and mess around with
• Loves to give blowjobs
• That is a given, but Claire didn’t like giving head
• New girl must love to take it all in (or as much as possible hehe) and not wait for me to ask
• Listens and Respects me
• I feel my level of respect for myself and my command comes into play, but assuming that is down, I don’t want her to be too much of a rebel
• Makes noticeable effort to understand me and help me
• Claire did this, it was cool. I realized how much I like it now
• Isn’t lazy in the morning, or isn’t lazy in general
• Claire was lazy a lot, it was kind of cute but also a bit annoying.
• I don’t think Claire would ever clean anything or take care of stuff
• Cares about her body, stays in shape and is excited to do things
• Claire has a weird medical condition, so she was always in somewhat shape (heart issues, she could not be over a certain weight) but I am like 99% sure if she didn’t have that issue, she’d let loose and be obese.
• She loved to eat and was probably too lazy to exercise much.
• I need to demand what I want done and not take “no” for an answer
• Many times I would do things even though I told her “no” and she would just stick to her guns
• I realized yes, she had the pussy power over me
• Never again.
• If the girl refuses to do what I say and I comply because I want to fuck her that night, it’s a bad reason.
• I can almost smell her attraction giving way when I would do what she said out of her pussy power
• So instead, is she refuses what I say, then I drop it. I leave and if she comes back to me, I know it’s on.
• I need to be Okay with losing her. I need to be okay with this
• I need to trust the universe to supply my abundance of pussy and blow jobs
• Not depend on some girl for it
• Well, looks wise
• In shape
• Nice round ass that is squeezable
• Bigger the tits the better
• Cute face, sweet eyes and dick sucking lips
• Tight pussy
• She LOVES sex
• She is bisexual or bi-curious
• She is not a womanist
• I.e., she isn’t obsessed with women being the same as men everywhere, she is cool with being the feminine while I am the masculine

I know a lot of these things represent traits I need to grow within myself. It is a long journey but I know it is going to get better and better and better all the fucking time!

Labels: Goals, The Past, Whateverness

Posted by BigSend on Wednesday, October 10, 2007 at 10/10/2007 05:04:00 AM | Permalink