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What I Have Been Up To Lately

I am taking a much needed break before my next Final, so I thought I'd reflect on what has been going on with me lately.

Besides the recent blogger mishaps and me getting a new domain bigsendworld.com, a LOT has been going on in my academic life that has taken up so much time, I barely even work out.

It all started when I began looking for internships in February. As we all know, the job market is shit and many of the top engineering companies are not taking new interns. So, I had to do something. I put my application out there in as many places as I could, but I knew I had to stay local.

So, along with with applying for internships, I also approached a few Professors to see if I could work in their lab. Now asking a professor to work in their lab can be a big deal to them since there is a cost to training me in both time and money perhaps. So unless I am a 4.0 student, have major connections, or I am a Grad student, I don't have too many options.

What I ended up doing is offering service as a Matlab programmer. Matlab is a computer language, much like C++ or Java, that a scientist uses to simulate and create mathematical models. It is a very big language with lots of things to learn (though it is much easier than C++). What I'd be doing is GUI programming on matlab. (GUI is a graphical user interlace, like Windows or OSX)

Then I also offered up my PowerPoint skills. Honestly, before this I never even know how to use Powerpoint, much less GUI development.

Either way, I knew I could learn it if I had to. So I approached these professors offering help in those categories. Personally, I thought I'd get at least one of the following: internship, matlab work, or power point work.

Shit, I ended up getting all 3! Thing is, the internship wasn't exactly my top pick, its going to have me drive about 25 miles a day there and back in a valley area.

The professor's work would happen now; the internship starts June 30th.

It was really insane trying to learn how to programming graphics in Matlab, learn power point, then also study for all my classes (taking a circuits call on transistors and diodes, digital logic class, and electrical communications class... fucking hard shit)

Powerpoint is not too bad, in fact once you see how it works, you can do almost anything within like an hour.

Matlab was something else. That had a steeper learning curve. Once you learn it, it is pretty straight forward, but understanding how Graphics works in computers was a whole issue in-it-of-itself. I mean, when you "click" on a window, what happens? Well an entire series of events happen and it should happen fairly instantly. Say you open an application in your start menu, close a browser window, etc etc. You need to take every scenario into account and program it.

Also, if you have 100 windows up, how do you avoid having 100 if-else statements for each type of function call? Well, you gotta understand what is really happening during a "call" and work with it.

I won't go into the details, but those projects, along with school work have really rendered me a workaholic this quarter.


Truth is, I fucking hate how I am bombarded with work. Some how, I came across this book The Four Hour Work Week by Timothy Ferris which is about how to create very efficient, low maintaince small businesses which stream money into you. It has very much opened my eyes. Why work 80 hours a week for 5 years trying to get 1 business up and running and get a little bit of cash out of it? You entire social and love life fall down the sewer.

I do consider this time in my life the ultimate prep for the future. This is why I work so hard.

As for women, I hooked up with a couple more girls off of Okcupid, but honestly I am almost completely over that online shit. Every fucking girl I get with is 30-40 Lbs over her pictures. Its like I am dating a big fucking lie. One girl I talked to recently had these very thin pictures of her face and neck, but in her profile she said "I am not looking for superficial guys who only like skinny girls blah blah blah" So in a message I told her "hey, I'm not sure what you are implying there but your pictures looks great! But at the same time, do you have photos showing more of your body. I met a few girls off here and they all looked nothing like their pictures"

She agrees and posts her picture up. My god... her face and neck are skinny, the rest of her body is just HUGE.

Jesus. I didn't even know that could exist, I thought the face and neck get fat along with everything else.

Now, I am not saying I have anything against fat girls. I just think its very low to post false pictures. Lying about a few inches of height is bad, lying about your age is bad, but putting up false pictures is crossing the line!

In the end, I gotta just laugh. Its just how it is.


With that said, I have been focusing on LoA (law of attraction) quite a bit. I have to say, in small ways the things I am asking for are coming true, slowly but surely. One of my askings is for hot women to come over and start talking to me. Lately, that does happen. I met an amazing, feminine girl who is from Turkey. He have a huge chemical spark between us, but she is going back to Turkey very soon. Another girl who is usually very aloof and non-talkative has been initiating conversations with me off and on over the past few weeks in class. Also some very non-attractive girls have been starting conversations with me too.

I swear, if it weren't for bad logistics, the chemistry I had with the first two girls could have definitely escalated.

But unless a girl is willing to get down fast, I don't have time to date (much less update this blog). Okcupid seems to have a lot of girls wanting to get down fast, but again all of them had old photos.

Also, someone emailed me or posted a comment asking for an update on LoA. Its coming along. I don't have hard evidence yet, but things like asking for money to come to me has: I was paid by those professors to do work for them.

One trick to LoA is any event in life that "seems" to be in line with what you asked for is a hint it is coming true. So even though I didn't stumble across a winning lottery ticket, I got offered work and was paid for it.

My goals for this blog is to move to to bigsendworld.com and create an online doorway into my life for people to visit and check out. I want to post about how LoA is doing, dating, all with a more spiritual tone to it, my career, and recent revelations/life discoveries.

My career goal is really to create a very low maintainance, highly profitable small business that streams cash into me, much like Steve Pavlina. Or perhaps I may keep going with academics and technology development. Maybe I will invent something of high value and I could sustain that as a business.

Fuck guys, the future is really starting now. I graduate in 1 year. My options are Gradschool (MS, PhD, or business), working in an engineering firm (yuck! especially with only a BS degree), or starting my own business. Right now I am trying to plant the seeds for that that.

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Posted by BigSend at 6/09/2008 05:27:00 PM | | Comments

A Day with BradP and More Honesty

Today was a rather interesting day in my journey. The last few days BradP and I exchanged emails regarding an interview he needs for his new program, which I believe is to be called "Metamorphosis Method" where he takes his students step by step through the learning process. Since I have been around the block, worked with Brad’s material and had some cool success with it all, he asked me to do an interview and I did. My only compensation was if I could call him if/when I am in a relationship crisis and get a phone consultation, oh and I got dinner after.

I felt the interview went great. I asked Brad to tell me the questions ahead of time and I was really able to think about the answers, put them in my best words. The questions regarded social anxiety and at what age I started having social fears and how I am working to rid myself of them. If you check my past posts, I wrote about Brad’s Social Anxiety workshop and how we went through a sort of step by step exercise of healing our social anxieties.

In my own progress I noticed I experience two types of anxieties, in this context. One type of anxiety occurs when I am acting—as in, I approach a group with canned material and sort of act out a skit in a way. I feel as though I am still hiding behind a veil and all I need to do is run the material. The other type of anxiety is when I am completely honest, up front, and truthful. This type of anxiety is the difference between going up to a fuckable girl and asking her "who lies more, men or women" and saying "Hey, I love the energy coming up from you, I am curious about who you are." One is honest; the other is beating around the bush.

Now don’t get me wrong, learning how to socially interact in any situation and with any words is very important—canned or honest. But I noticed that I felt a different type of fear when I approached out of pure honesty than pure acting. I could go on for pages and pages about congruencies, contingencies, calibration, etc. You know: sometimes it is inappropriate to be completely honest, other times it is just funner to flirt and play games. But to me, it would be fucking awesome to have the option of telling my full truth and feeling 100% good about it. Before, I didn’t have that option due to bull shit social anxieties.

So in the interview, I talked about some of my first social experiences growing up. One of which was a kid in my 2nd grade class who asked me "Hey do you think you’re cool?" and I said "Yeah, I am cool!" and he replied "No! If you are cool, you can’t think you’re cool!" blah blah. Well as a 2nd grader, I did take that word as gospel and if I recall, from those moments onward, I began slowly policing my thoughts, restricting my actions to make sure I am always "cool" whatever cool means anyway.

Anyway, if you buy his product, you’ll hear my whole interview. After this, Brad got me some dinner from California Pizza Kitchen. I got the Carne Asasa pizza and holy fucking shit! That was the best pizza I’ve had in years. Anyway, it was cool hanging out with Brad, just on a normal level. We didn’t talk game as much, actually talked politics and normal shit. What I realized afterwards was Whoa… Brad is a normal guy, just like me and my friends. He is a guy who had a dream, worked hard to achieve it (pick up, starting a business, writing books) and he is doing it. He told me a goal of his was to be well off in his own place, steady income, and be a big influence in the dating community in two years (shit I think he said that, I could be botching up his words badly haha) and he achieved exactly that. Nice. Props to him.

As I mentioned above, a different type of anxiety I feel is when I am being completely honest. This extends to seeing a girl I find very attractive and approaching her, honestly telling her how I feel. This also extends to telling a girl to go down on me, fuck me harder (or any other PG-R-X rated thing that happens in a relationship) and be totally congruent and 100% about it. Yeah—congruent, that is the word! Do I feel 100% socially free when I am honest? Am I congruent with being honest? The answer was no.

BradP has a social anxiety product (found here) where he gives about 20 exercises geared at re-training your brain to unlearn previous social conditioned fears. He offers more advice and I found it to be a very valuable program, highly recommend—it does what it says. But there are two ways to do the exercises. One way is out of acting, another way is out of pure honesty. Here is the difference: one of the first exercises is asking someone for the time. For me, when I really need to know the time, I’ll ask any one, no problem. But when I don’t really care for the time, I am just doing it for the sake of doing it, I feel an "acting anxiety." When I approach a group of girls with a canned opener I will feel acting anxiety, but on a much larger level. However, when I approach a girl with an honest opener, I will feel "Honest Anxiety."

It is "Honesty Anxiety" I am trying to eliminate or extremely reduce from my life at this point. My goal now is not so much to go in field and be a fun club guy with cool lines and stories, but instead my goal is to feel 100% free being 100% honest. My interview with Brad focused on that, for better or worse! Haha, in the end, I wasn’t completely sure that is what he wanted, but I felt real fucking good about the interview, so either case it will sound good and hopefully help out his students.

Later on that night, I met up with Ulysses and our mutual friend A. H. at a bar. Without going into all the gory details, I decide to open a set that caught my eye. They were standing by us, I felt their energy emanating and what I did was meditated (i.e., got out of my brain and into my heart) and felt the situation out, and I just approached with "Hey, I noticed you guys standing here and you have great energy. I am curious about you" I had a smile on my face, I felt 100% honest and congruent and it opened like Whoa, perfectly. In fact, one girl couldn’t hear and I had to repeat myself, but that was all good. Me repeating myself didn’t deter from the progress. We all talked, Ulysses jumped in and A. H. left at that point. Now a few things didn’t go 100% well, I ended up talking to the girl I didn’t feel strong attraction for (I felt attraction for the other girl) but Ulysses was talking to her. My bad, I should have communicated this with Ulysses somehow. Either way, what happened was Ulysses kind of took over the set as they got fascinated in his business—he is a social fundamentals co-founder and coach. Turns out the girl I talked to first was really into Ulysses but the other girl disappeared. I knew she was out for a cigarette, I felt it, but I needed evidence. After about 5 minutes of sitting and doing nothing as Ulysses chatted up his girl, I asked Ulysses for a cigarette, went outside and saw her there. We had a real great conversation which could have gone very far—I felt lots of sexual energy, but ahhh 5 minutes later her friends comes by and pulls her away. Not sure why she pulled her away, but it could be for any reason. I think they expected us to come back inside. Instead, we decided to bail and we did. Again, skipping gory details, this is the Universe reinforcing the fact that Honesty is where it’s at now.

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Posted by BigSend at 12/23/2007 04:52:00 AM | | Comments

Spent Last Friday with Dante "Rock Star Casanova"

I'm a bit lagging on posts, but I just had two midterms and a third one coming up. I haven't been able to go out too much lately but this is a sacrifice I am making. Becoming a solid engineer such that I can make or join a start up and be hugely successful is a grand goal of mine. Women are second. To digress a bit, I think it is very important not to see girls as a goal, but instead to see them as a reward. Going out on a Friday night and "sarging" is more like developing social skills. I honestly believe that inner game is what attracts a woman on all her levels---social calibration and "game" just help you communicate that more effectively. Don't get me wrong, if a person has no calibration (i.e., not socially savy) but has great inner game, he may not get laid. Who knows. Also, if a person has amazing "Game" he could probably trick a girl long enough to fuck him with his game, but inner game is what those fragile creatures we call females need, imho.

Any how, school has taken over but I was able to go out last Friday night and meet up with Dante Valentine who is the main guy over at RockStar Casanova. He is offering me a position to help administer his web forums which I'd be more than happy to help him out. That shouldn't take too much time from school, I could do it in my spare time. But I really like this guy, he believes in me (or says he does haha). Either case, we hung out Friday and met up at Saddle Ranch (same place Style talks about in "The Game") and saw a few boot camps there. Asian Playboy (APB) along with my friend 456 who is an intern there were holding a work shop.

Ohh I got to add, I did the "Parking" gratitude affirmation and found a parking spot RIGHT on Sunset Blvd & La Cieniga! Just put like $1.25 in the meter! And by sheer coincidence, 456 and APB were walking up the road as I pulled in and we crossed paths. They just got out of some $15 zone :) Not to brag or put them down but, the Lord and I are mighty close friends. Either way, this is the first time I met APB. Interesting fella---I asked him "Hey are you APB" and it seemed like he wanted to say something really cocky funny, paused a sec, then just said "Yeah. Thats me" and we talked about parking spots for a minute. hah, that's about it so far.

So back to the night, I head over to Saddle Ranch and just chill a bit, talk to random people and socialize. I talk to a big group of girls and open them with some random situational "Hey, did you guys know there was a New York Times bestseller about this place?" and we talked about that, however the girls weren't too much into me after about 2-3 minutes. Next! I saw Johnny Wolf, another APB instructor and head of the SoCalLair. So I was just schmoozing. One article I read somewhere (I think Dante said it) was that when sarging, we should always be socializing. Even if its just with guys or friends or ugly girls or whatever, we should always be talking, laughing, in rapport, doing something. But standing around with our mouths shut is not going to help. If you think about it, some day we are going to break out of that shyness shell, why not now?

Soon Dante arrived. We chilled a bit, he has a natural coolness to him---I posted about it before. But he was tired, said he fucked 3 times that day and wassarging every day that week. So he actually didn't open any sets. We talked a bit about business, discussing the forums and later the possibility that I could instruct for him when I get better at pick up. That would be really good, but I have to pass a few more thresholds before I'd feel right teaching someone.

Dante also observed my game, saw me get into a few sets and observed how I act in them. He made some great observations for me which I want to journal now:
  1. I should only move my hands to emphasize a point. Don't move them in general
    • Moving hands and arms around is a sign of nervousness
    • Unless you are moving them around to help describe a situation.
      • Eg. "I was swimming for my life! "
  2. Voice Tone
    • When I am in attraction phase, I need to almost sing when I talk to the girl
    • That is, not literally sing, but have a lot of voice fluctuation
      • I.e., NO monotone
        • I don't think I'm that much of a monotone, but definitely could use some work.
  3. Eye Contact
    • I need to work on how I keep my eye contact with a girl
    • I forgot exactly what Dante said, but it reminded me a lot of what Leil Lowndes talks about in "How to Talk to Anyone"
      • She has a chapter on how to keep eye contact
      • Either case, this is something I need to work on.
  4. Vary my Faccial Expressions
    • This is kind of advanced and requires a lot of calibration
    • But when in attraction phase, when talking about something sad, have a happy face
    • When talking about something happy, have a bit of a frown
      • I believe the idea here is to make the girl become curious and raise her interest level

I definitely need to think about all those, especially #4. I discussed #4 with a friend and he disagreed thinking it was weird. But honestly, I think there is something to it. Its hard to put my finger on it, but I will keep it floating around. The truth is, the advice above is not general. It was given to me specifically to address some sicking points. So you guys may not agree or see how this is important because you don't have these SP's..


Dante gave me the advice free, but I can see myself working with him soon. Maybe paying for a smaller camp as my game gets better. We shall see.

One last thing I want to add: after bar hopping in that Sunset/La Cieniga area, we decided to move about 3 miles west to some of the other clubs. It was about 12:00 AM at this time, we were driving, saw the venue and FOUND ANOTHER PARKING SPOT almost right after I did the gratitude affirmation! Just wanted to say that. No pay parking. I was given two parking spots on Sunset Blvd on a Friday night on the same night. Wow.

I'm a believer. Seeing ISSSS believing.

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Posted by BigSend at 11/02/2007 05:21:00 PM | | Comments

Broke it off with Claire

Wow, what a crazy end. I took off most of my old, old blog posts from 2005 since my mind and views have changed so much since then, however one of the first girls I talked about was Claire. I met her at Saddle Ranch (the place talked about in “The Game”) of all places. She kind of played me and I fell into all her loops like the newbie I was and eventually we stopped talking.

However about last year, October of 2006 she IM’d me out of the blue and we started talking again. Around January of 2007 we finally hooked up after she broke up with her ex and she was my first fuck buddy (we were more than fuck buddies and I feel that was the problem…) that lasted more than 2 nights haha! Well, I felt fairly attached to her, we vibed real well yet at times she seemed conflicted. It was weird, she seemed so into me sometimes, and other times she seemed more confused than anything. I was treating her right and being masculine, so she really had nothing to complain about—though I think that is what made her lose interest in me. I was a nice guy and my “mean masculine” side wasn’t believable… not sure haha.

In May she went back home after college ended and we communicated just barely, maybe once every week or two. Not as much as I wanted. I desired her more than she did me and unfortunately when I am not around to make sure things are going right, she just lost interest in me I think.

During this time I was still sarging, I even pulled a girl home. Made out with a bunch of chicks. I didn’t really feel for them, I liked Claire! But I guess she didn’t really like me. She came back to school (which is located on the opposite side of the city) and she never made an effort to come over here. Then again, I didn’t make an effort to go over there, I suppose I was waiting for her to ask me out again. Shit, I made A LOT of relationship mistakes with this girl. I learned so much.

I swear, I made mistakes up till the moment I finally told her I got to cut her off. See she finally told me that she isn’t looking for me to be her boyfriend. She knew I wanted that, I never even admitted it to myself but deep down I loved her way more than she loved me, if at all. Even the girls I met over the summer didn’t compare. But then again, I didn’t get to know them on a deep level.

So I can sense already my writing style in this post is pretty gloomy. Whatever. So anyway, I told her to remove me from facebook, myspace, cell phone, AIM, etc. She seemed a bit like “wtf” but didn’t act disappointed. I know deep down she is just another insecure girl and even if she had no interest in me, it probably hurt her to have me just cut her off. She said “we were friends before we hooked up. Now its over. So you just wanted to get into my pants?” and that is not true. I loved her… and now I just want to move on. I don’t want to hear about her new boyfriends or whatever. I don’t want to “hang out” with her because I am too attracted. I want it all or nothing, call me greedy but with her out of sight and out of mind, I know I will find another girl who will love me better than her.

Yes, yes I know Claire was just a fuck buddy… but whatever. I am a lover at heart and I can’t fake that. Some girls I can fuck and it means nothing, some girls I can’t fuck without it meaning a lot. That is just me, or maybe I’m young.

Lessons Learned:
  1. I need to address issues and fix them pronto.
    1. waited it out too much with Claire
    2. was too lenient when she had her Pussy Power moments
      1. would just laugh and say “you’re aloof!” and she would just deny it and that was that
  2. need to accept right away if this girl loves me as much as I love her early on
    1. don’t want to get involved with a girl who doesn’t desire me at least as much as I do her
    2. can get out early, but it feels like shit if I get out late
  3. can’t let a girl think she can be a dead lay and I’ll be cool with it
    1. loved fucking Claire even though she was kind of a dead lay sometimes
    2. would just pound her and she was so cute and her voice was cute too so I was cool with it
    3. in retrospect, like 80% of the time she was lazy in bed, 10% she was cumming and moving around.. and the rest of the time she seemed a bit tired
      1. don’t know, just my sense. Perhaps she really was tired since we’d be doing it so late
  4. NEED to frame the relationship early on as I am the leader and she is the nurturer and it is our separate responsibilities. If she doesn’t hold up her end of the bargain as “Vice President of my Heart” I got to fire her, literally
    1. is taken from Stephane’s GTP and I fucking love that philosophy
    2. http://www.simurl.com/gtp
  5. When I sense she is not putting enough effort into the relationship and I tried everything short of desperation, I need to tell her:
    1. She has to put more effort or I have to break up.
    2. And for me, break ups are complete cut off. No online or cellular or personal communication.
      1. Depending how far into the relationship we are in, I’ll have tried MANY things before we get to this point
      2. With Claire, I honestly should have broken up a few months ago

So that is that. Lots of mistakes were made and it is too late to un-break them short of staging a life rescue for her haha. It is cool, I am very grateful for the time I had with her, these lessons. I learned more about what I want out of a relationship and what I don’t want; I also learned how to handle situations and never let problems wait. Address problems right away, no waiting—I need to make that a rule from the beginning “Problems must be dealt with right away”

What I look for in a woman now:

  • Very cute (which includes):
    • Cuddley
    • un laugh
    • Fun to play with and mess around with
  • Loves to give blowjobs
    • That is a given, but Claire didn’t like giving head
    • New girl must love to take it all in (or as much as possible hehe) and not wait for me to ask
  • Listens and Respects me
    • I feel my level of respect for myself and my command comes into play, but assuming that is down, I don’t want her to be too much of a rebel
  • Makes noticeable effort to understand me and help me
    • Claire did this, it was cool. I realized how much I like it now
  • Isn’t lazy in the morning, or isn’t lazy in general
    • Claire was lazy a lot, it was kind of cute but also a bit annoying.
    • I don’t think Claire would ever clean anything or take care of stuff
  • Cares about her body, stays in shape and is excited to do things
    • Claire has a weird medical condition, so she was always in somewhat shape (heart issues, she could not be over a certain weight) but I am like 99% sure if she didn’t have that issue, she’d let loose and be obese.
      • She loved to eat and was probably too lazy to exercise much.
  • I need to demand what I want done and not take “no” for an answer
    • Many times I would do things even though I told her “no” and she would just stick to her guns
      • I realized yes, she had the pussy power over me
      • Never again.
      • If the girl refuses to do what I say and I comply because I want to fuck her that night, it’s a bad reason.
  • I can almost smell her attraction giving way when I would do what she said out of her pussy power
    • So instead, is she refuses what I say, then I drop it. I leave and if she comes back to me, I know it’s on.
      • I need to be Okay with losing her. I need to be okay with this
      • I need to trust the universe to supply my abundance of pussy and blow jobs
        • Not depend on some girl for it
  • Well, looks wise
    • In shape
    • Nice round ass that is squeezable
    • Bigger the tits the better
    • Cute face, sweet eyes and dick sucking lips
    • Tight pussy
  • She LOVES sex
  • She is bisexual or bi-curious
  • She is not a womanist
    • I.e., she isn’t obsessed with women being the same as men everywhere, she is cool with being the feminine while I am the masculine


I know a lot of these things represent traits I need to grow within myself. It is a long journey but I know it is going to get better and better and better all the fucking time!

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Posted by BigSend at 10/10/2007 05:04:00 AM | | Comments

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