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Without going into too much detail, lately I fell into an approach anxiety slump, especially with doing direct game. I took a Grungey10 (Captivate to Connect) bootcamp and I really liked it, it opened me up to direct game however after it I had my final exams, bunch of random shit came up and I lost my approach drive to the anxiety loops. I know I still have the skills in me, as I would do indirect at times and I would hook but I know I wasn't giving it my 100%.

Well fast-forward to today. I need to put this AA shit behind me and I need to take that step. So my buddy 4five6 (his blog) and I went out to a local outdoor mall 3rd Street Promenade and did some approaches, but this was different. I took out $240 from the bank and told 4five6 I need to do 3 approaches, and for every approach I get $80 back. I chose $80 because I needed big motivation to do my thing, I couldn't let anxiety dictate my results at the end of the day. I also said just 3 approaches because these are direct and I wanted to make sure I could do it.

Here is what happened. We started at 4pm and for the first hour or so I was "looking" for a good set. The stupid thing is my goal is to over come social anxiety and be more socially free. However a part of my brain was still striving to find the "perfect" set of just 1 lonely girl waiting to get picked up. Of course at 3rd Street, everyone is in groups and most girls have guys with them, so it wasn't that easy to find the perfect set. I needed to either make it happen, or wait and wait. So unfortunately that is what I did, wait. 4five6 helped boost me, but part of the $80 deal was that if I do not finish my approaches by the end, he'd keep the cash. So while 4five6 did encourage me, he wasn't forcing me. I wouldn't want him to anyway, I want to do this on my own.

The first set ended in 10 seconds. Well before I go into that, I came to a realization that I need to do this shit at first impulse. The entire first hour I was in my head (and at the same time trying to get out of my head, what a cycle...) so as I was doing my inner dialog in my brain, I realized this was all wrong. I need to approach at first impulse or else I would have this analysis paralysis all night. So I noticed a single girl walking between stores and I just went for it. "Excuse me, I know this is totally random... but I had to tell you I think you're very... very... cute." Apparently, according to 4five6 and my own feel for it, I was way off. I looked nervous. Thus, she said thanks and left. But I felt GOOD, I even gave 4five6 a hug. Plus I got $80 :) I did not care whatsoever that this girl would be creeped out, or unhappy or anything. In fact, I think she was flattered, I just came off wrong, or maybe she was in a bad place in her own life and couldn't talk to a man. Either way, I was fucking glad I did it.

Even though we did that, it wouldn't be till another 30-45 minutes till my next approach. Again, I was waiting for "perfect moment" bull shit and thus, I found my apparently "perfect" moment in a small shoe store. This girl was browsing around and was by her self when I approach her, smiling, squinting my eyes gently and gave the same words as above "...I think you're very, very cute" and when I said this the girl's eyes lit up, seemed very happy but her boyfriend was RIGHT 15 feet away, as she so kindly mentioned! So we parted ways; so much for my "perfect" moment bull shit. Lesson #2, the perfect moment is rare and not worth waiting for---make it happen; you could wait years for a perfect moment and it may still result and just one thing off and its fucked. In fact, while on the surface it may seem like a perfect moment, her boyfriend/husband/whoever could be right out of sight for that moment.

Well... I got my next $80 back, only one more to go!

One thing I am not mentioning till now is the amount of stress I put myself under in this day. Although I wasn't pissing my pants the entire time, I definitely had mental strain and now as I write this, I have a huge head ache, oh well. A little Advil and I write on.

The final set I did was strange... first off it has been about an hour from that last set, so its about 7pm and I just want to get this day over with. The mental strain is getting high and I just want to be done with it, however I missed a few sets due to reluctance and waiting for the "right" moment. Well, I am now telling myself "just fucking do something to get this over with" so I walk into Barns and Noble and immediately see a girl with an orange shirt walking around, looking for books. Again waiting for the "perfect moment" I finally find a decent moment as she was in an empty isle. I approach her with the same line as above and it hooks!... a little hehe. She kind of seemed grateful but also perplexed. So she says "hi" and I ask her whats her story, try to build some wide rapport, "what brings you here" and she is like "I like books." She says it in a way to break rapport, but I keep plowing, as part of the $80 shit is I have to go till she either makes me leave or walks away in a "ends here" sort of way.

After just talking, asking where she is from and stuff she then asks me if I could recommend her a book and I mention "The Alchemist" and she seems interested and we go looking for it. On the way, I spot "Power of Now" and mention that its a good book. She is disgusted by it, saying she hates books that tell her how to think and spirituality. Now, for me, that was an immediate dis-qualifier, however since she does own a pussy and has a weird, quirky personality and I stuck through :) but if that reflects her true nature I probably won't pursue her seriously. Anyway, we actually stick together walking around the book store looking for this book, however I wasn't really leading. There were times she'd walk ahead however she never really wandered off without me. I was just doing the Gunwitch, persist persist persist till the "ho says no". But, she never said no!

Well we talked more and turns out she is a Computer Science girl. I am engineering so we both had things to complain about. She had a quirky personality where she'd say very logical things and seem super straightforward trying to use her brain a lot. I busted her on it and we had fun that way. I didn't qualify her much but at the spur of the moment, I bet her $80 that she couldn't walk down the escalator that goes up. I remember, as a little kid maybe 7 years old, I could NEVER do it so I just assumed it wasn't really possible... hehe. Well she seemed confident and said "Yeah I'll do it" and then I was like shit... $80!? Fuck that number, it was just the first number I thought of. I then took the bet back, saying "you seem too confident" and sort of laughed a bit. Then I realized, wait.. I kind of do want to see her do it, I mean why not. Fuck it. So I lowered it to $20 and kind of hoped she couldn't do it. Well fuck! She did! And it seemed easy to her, she was fairly athletic.

So I lost $20 and no, my wussy side didn't enable me to run down after her and catch up. Hah, 4five6 says that was a bad move because it shows I am not adventurous. But whatever, this was just a set that went longer than I thought. So I lost $20 :( but at least I got my last $80 from 4five6 for finishing this.

I ended that set with saying, "Well we gotta go out separate ways now. I thought we had a good time, how do you want to continue this?" I recall that line from some community post where you get the girl to suggest giving you her number. I get her number and then mention that maybe me her and 4five6 could eat somewhere. Well all three of us leave the book store, her carrying her bought Alchemist. She mentioned before she wanted Sushi and I mentioned we are going to this grill place. She says she has been waiting for Sushi all day and only wants to go there. Now I am tired of falling into her hoops so I say, cool and we part ways. I do have her number. I'll probably call her tomorrow and shoot the shit, see what happens.


To end it all. When it comes to opening up sets, meeting women. Waiting for that "perfect" moment is utterly inefficient, it fucks with your mind, and it usually results in negative self talk. True there could be "perfect" moments if a single girl who is very attractive walks in a room alone with barely anyone around, with a chair next to you and she is on a rebound from her last Boy Friend and really wants to find someone new. That is a "perfect" moment. Add to that, you actually perform the set "perfectly" and seem confident, secure, and whatever else. Oh, and she is attracted to you too. Forgot to mention that. Instead of waiting for the perfect moment, we have to fucking MAKE the moment and learn to flow, learn to deal with obstacles and make any moment work.

Before I started, I was under the impression $20 or $40 or even $60 was not quite enough to motivate me to get off my ass. I need a huge, high impact $80 fuck-you if I didn't do the approaches. Now even though this was better than nothing, it didn't constitute me doing enough approaches. Plus the in-between time was just room for me to slip into negativity--waiting for the perfect moment mode.

I think the better idea is this: Give your wing $200 and do 10 approach. Or give your wing like $200 and do like $5 for the first, $10 for the second, $30 for the third approach, $40, $50, $65, etc. The idea is, if you don't start early and keep going till the end, you will have a lot of $$$ to work through in the end. But if you start early and keep going through the time period, then you'll be fine. Or set time limits. Like 30 minutes between each set you lose $20. The wing man must keep the cash.

Okay I just crashed at like 11pm. My head ache got too big, in fact this was the biggest head ache I've had in months, probably since my last hang over. I feel good now, though I got up at 7AM!

Anyway, this was kind of a big lesson. I know this ridiculous headache was because of the stress I PUT MYSELF through along with being outside for many hours of bright sunlight, walking around squinting and constantly looking around for a target. I could have ended it in 1 hour had I just ballsed up and did the 3 approaches. In the end, that last set was pretty fucking interesting to say the least. I know most guys would leave after her non-rapport seeking behavior, but I stuck through and even though sticking in meant kind of following this girl, it was still interesting nonetheless. Definitely a set I will remember for how quirky this girl was.


The last thing I want to mention. The money on the line did not relieve any anxiety (as one could probably tell from my report). Instead it put me in a state of "Fuck, I got to do this. I know I WILL do it, just when?... I need to get this over with, I got a big head ache now... etc etc" So, money is a last resort. If your anxiety is getting to you, put down some value, some substance A.K.A. money that you are not willing to lose over approach anxiety. Lay the money down and you WILL do the sets. If you are poor, lay down less money, if you are rich, lay down a lot of money. Either way, I believe this will get you to approach, but it won't get rid of your anxiety.

Will I try this again? Yes. Do I want to walk around with stress and negativity in my head all day? No. So next time I will probably do more sets and/or shorten the time frame. I hope some of you guys out there learn from this, as this money trick is a great idea but YOU still need to bust through the anxiety and stress.

Labels: Field Reports, Ideas

Posted by BigSend on Sunday, August 12, 2007 at 8/12/2007 08:41:00 AM | Permalink