http://bigsendworld.com

Somehow I got the inspiration to check out Okcupid again, a free myspace-ish dating site. I wouldn't categorize it as a Match or Singles site because there really is no pressure, no money involved, and people go on there to meet normal friends, activity partners. Their matching system finds you good friends as well as potential partners.

I used Match about a year ago and it didn't feel right. The girls felt a bit jaded so I shied away from it for a while.

So as school keeps taking over, I have less and less time to go out and socialize. I try to talk to girls on campus, but it is definitely forced. I don't naturally bump into attractive girls in my engineering classes or in the labs, ya know?

I feel like I am giving excuses, so enough with that. A little while ago I wrote out a list of traits I look for in a woman. Included in them was a very warm smile, loving, attractive, nice boobs, and also warm hands and feet, very cuddly, loves sex, a giver, open, smiling, laughs a lot, and willing to listen to me and learn from me. Those are a lot of things…

I meet a girl on Okcupid, but this time I don't do any community* and act like someone I'm not. Some of the community rules are to get her phone number as fast as possible, never talk on AIM (or else you're labeled an "IM friend" or something), etc etc. Fuck all that! I like talking on AIM, I have been using it since I was about 10 years old, so I am used to it.

So back to the beginning. A girl, lets call her J, about 25 miles away from me woo's me. (I notice this is how girls seem to act on Okcupid, they'll send you a woo and go from there.) I wouldn't have found her since I search within 10 miles, but either way I message her back. Her profile seemed great; I sensed fun energy from her pictures and profile and a very warm vibe. So I send a very simple message back asking her what she is like. She responds back very with a very thoughtful message and based on what she said, I knew I found a cool girl on here.

J and I sent messages back and forth, going more in depth till I finally say "we need to talk on the phone or AIM at least" and she agreed, gave me her number and AIM but asked to stick to AIM for now since she was rather busy. That's fine. If I were taking community advice, they would say to "Just call her, be alpha, ruler of your world blah blah" Nah, my style now is considerate, respectful, and lots of qualification.

So we talk online and vibe real well. Very similar interests, including an undying love for The Beatles and other superficial traits. A couple days later we talk on the phone and the conversation is a bit stale, but it wasn't bad either. (Later she mentioned she isn't very good on the phone). Either way we talk for almost an hour and I told her my situation. I want to meet her, but it can either be Thursday or all the way next week since I am studying for finals. And I don't want to wait a week! She agreed also and said she'd come out to see me. Nice!

Before the actual meet up, I start to feel a bit nervous. I think it is because I have been building up this girl's image in my mind of who she will be and now that it is crunch time I get to see what's up. I relax, meditate a little but what really helped me the most was surrendering. Just saying to myself "Whatever happens, happens. I surrender this to The Universe/God/Fate/(whatever you want to call it)." I also caught myself thinking about bad scenarios, like what if this or that happens. I stopped myself. If you are aware of the law of attraction, we bring into our life what we focus on most strongly. So instead I focused on all the good traits I look for in a woman. Caring, nurturing, likes public displays of affection, exudes beauty, open heart, great breasts, warm hands and feet, a giver, open talker, likes to use her tongue a lot in kissing, etc etc. I just imagined how fucking awesome it would be if she had these traits. And if she didn't, oh well I surrender it to God/Fate. I will take it as it comes.

Now the actual meet up. We meet at a local bar, by the door. She sends me a text as she walks in, so I read it while she is walking in. My attention is on the phone, but I feel it is her coming through the door. I read it fast, look up and we greet. "Are you J?" and it's her and we hug. I can feel nervous energy in the air, but that is okay. We walk around and I show her the bar a bit. I also buy a drink for her. I know there is this whole "Who Pays" shit, but I like paying, I feel being a provider is in my blood as a man; I want my women taken care of.

Before I go on, since I mentioned "The Secret" and fantasizing about what you want to happen, part of my imagination had me teaching her how to play pool by touching her as I did it, like guiding her hand and body. Her making shots, and me making out with her after. More on that later.

We go up stairs and check out the pool tables, I notice the furniture of the bar has been moved around, but that is okay. Meanwhile, I mentioned this in another post but I am studying Authentic Man and Ideagasms and learning how to get in touch with who I truly am, and also merging/getting in touch with other people. So as we were talking, I stayed as present as possible and notice how attracted to her I was. I just allowed that feeling to come over me as I looked at her, and I notice she would blush. That's good! But, I didn't let her blushing stop me. The entire night I was smiling, looking at her deeply, and having fun.

Note: This is not some technique. My intent wasn't to "seduce" her with my gaze. My intent was to enjoy myself and I enjoyed being with her.

So we get a pool table and we start playing. I was actually playing really bad and a bit lazy. I was having fun, but pool can take me into my head a lot sometimes. Well J was a newbie so eventually, yes, I did end up teaching her, exactly as I imagined it. I helped her get her first shot in. I showed her the theory I knew and held her body and arms as I did it.

As this went on, we became warmer and warmer to each other. I spoke my truth. I told her I can be tongue tied sometimes (I think while I was gazing in her eyes) and also, I really wanted to make out with her at one point but held back—I told her this and she said "awww no don't!" I think the PUA community calls that an IOI haha. Soon, I am helping her out again in making a shot and make out with her after. She's really into it too! It was awesome. Ohh and she has good breath, that was another trait haha!
Since we were both driving, we stop drinking there and I invite her back to my place for some wine and to watch LOST. She is happy to come along. I show her around my apartment, my great balcony, and we go into my room with the wine.

Now without going into gory details, I played some of the games AMP talks about, like the game where you look into your girls eyes, and try to completely synch up with her. Then she is supposed to say any color like "red" or "yellow" and as she is saying it, you are supposed to sense what she is saying and speak it with her. It takes a lot of connection and rapport for this and it builds connection too. I fucking loved that game! Its on the Power of Presence program at AMP.

We didn't have sex or go beyond kissing. She made a decision before hand that she'd leave early, although looking back I think she secretly wanted me to push for it. She said "stop looking at me like that, I need to leave early" Why oh WHY didn't I realize exactly what that meant. In fact, I did know what it meant, but I didn't act on it and I don't know why. I think I wanted our first time having sex to have no resistance and I knew I'd have to push through a few barriers this time. Either way, I kind of regret it. Well I surrendered that feeling on regret and I still feel great. One thing I noticed is I may have seemed very eager near the end. She honestly fit almost every trait I was looking for and I may have seemed like I was putting her up on a pedestal. So I kind of fear I over qualified her. I was saying things like "Wow, I think I struck gold with you" and whenever she matched something liked, I was like "FUCK YES!!" (pretty much, didn't exactly wake up the neighbors but yeah…)

I surrendered that fear of losing her too.

No matter what happens, the night went great and I consider it my best date so far, she told me she thinks we are a great match. I thought so too. She said she really liked me, I said so too. I'm not sure if my eagerness in the end threw her off, but as of now she doesn't seem very enthusiastic, nor added me on myspace (I clicked for an add). I think those are bad signs, but again I am surrendering all these petty fears and just taking life moment by moment.

This date was a great lesson in The Secret, wishing for what I truly want. It was also an amazing experience connecting and letting myself feel and express everything that comes up. Yes, I do really want to see her again, Yes I really want to have sex with her and cuddle (yes cuddle, she is so warm and cuddly) and Yes I love the way she makes me feel. I am a "Yes" to this. But I am also a "Yes" to her changing her mind on me and not calling back. I am a Yes to that. I believe that is the only way to be truly free of your negative emotions is to surrender them. Be a "Yes" to the good and the bad.

If any of you are interested in Authentic Man Program or Ideagasms, check out the links above. Those two places are legit and my life feels so much smoother now. More specifically, I bought the Power of Appreciation from AMP and I feel that program is helping me realizing what surrendering really means. It means being a Yes to everything. Appreciating life for what it is—not just appreciating when everything goes my way, but appreciating always. It's hard and I may have over did it last night and seemed over eager, I know girls can over think that shit and be like "why did he like me so much" blah blah. But I am a Yes to it. I know the accepting gaze I gave her had a huge effect and really amplified our connection.

Well I better get back to studying for finals. Send me prayers to help me get through these exams!

*Don't get me wrong, the community is a great place to learn black-and-while rules that will at least help a completely clueless person, like myself when I was younger. I just can't stand some of the black-and-while rules. One guru said "If the girl tests you or says something negative, just ignore it and pretend you didn't hear anything" Wow what a great relationship that must be… We'll just ignore each other when the other person feels bad…

Labels: Field Reports, Outings, Spirituality

Posted by BigSend on Friday, March 14, 2008 at 3/14/2008 06:52:00 PM | Permalink